Helping single missionaries thrive

We single people like it when married friends and leaders show a rich understanding of singleness from the Bible. You’ve probably heard or even preached heaps of wedding sermons on Ephesians 5 and so thought about how married people display God’s glory. Now, how do single people display God’s glory? How about this for a start: “If marriage was designed to show off Christ’s love and devotion to the church, then singleness was designed to show off the church’s love and devotion to Christ”.¹

Marriage is not a reward for good behaviour. Early on in my time in Japan I heard a sermon from a mission leader that strongly implied that people are single because we haven’t prayed enough yet! That is wrong and immensely damaging. I was able to laugh it off but I cringe at the hurt done to others in church that morning. And there’s no need to “reassure” us that “You’re so lovely, I’m sure the Lord has someone . . .” Yes, I’m lovely—so lovely that perhaps the Lord plans to keep me for himself!

Singleness is not (necessarily) a problem to be fixed. There will be lots of concerned people in our churches here who want to “fix us up”. This may be more a problem for single men—with daughters, granddaughters, or acquaintances with a dubious commitment to Jesus being offered up for consideration. Appropriate introductions may indeed be great! The listening ear and praying heart of an older, genuine friend will be appreciated at times. Everyone else’s assumptions and speculation—not so much! Where you can, maybe have a quiet word to stop that kind of behaviour.

A member care director on the sending-side in my mission researched factors that would help single missionaries thrive.² Her conclusion was that the key factors were:

• realistic expectations,
• appropriate boundaries, and
• a strong spiritual life.

No great surprises there, not even anything unique to singles, but it is a useful checklist. If you are a part of a mission that cares well for all its members, these things will be in place to a degree. In place right from the enquiry stage where expectations are initially set, and questions are asked about the candidate’s spiritual life and their ability to order life and ministry within the flexible boundaries appropriate to a servant of Jesus. But whether you’re in the perfect mission, or here independently, let me raise a few organisational issues with particular reference to single missionaries.

Living situation

We hear both happy and tragic stories of single missionaries “way back then” forced to share accommodation. In some cases, deep hurts remain for a long time. Living alone seems more common now, but it’s good to be creative in what will work for different personalities and stages of life and ministry. Some of my happiest years here were in a flat-share with three Japanese church members. A share-house? Living with a family? Moving in with an elderly widow or widower, as appropriate? An arrangement I think I’d hesitate over is having a single woman living alone at the church building, but in the right circumstances that could be OK too.

Planning time off and holidays can be hard work on your own, even without the hassle of finding companions with compatible schedules and interests. It’s good to consider other times that are particularly hard, like Sunday evenings or getting back to an empty home after a retreat or trip. Or for people with flatmates, a “buffer” time alone may be needed before interacting with them after a busy day.

Ministry placement

Personally I have found it harder to be in churches where pretty much everyone comes as families and all the ministry is focussed on children. But for some people, that is exactly the right place! If we’re to reach every community in Japan of course some of us need to be in more isolated places, but we need to make sure time and money are gladly made available to keep up with nourishing friendships elsewhere. Other questions to consider might be: Where and how is the single female missionary going to meet with the male pastor or missionary she’s working with? How is she going to navigate the relationship with his wife, who may be fully engaged in the church’s ministry or may be focussed on the kids, or working outside the home?

Spiritual encouragement

There might be a greater temptation to self-pity, an unhealthy independence, or even selfishness. Unhelpful addictive behaviours might be more easily hidden. But again, it’s not only single missionaries who need encouragement to repent regularly and turn eagerly back to Jesus, alone or with trusted brothers and sisters! At the same time, being asked to share prayer points can also be off-putting. What does a single missionary do when a group is sharing prayer points for “your family”? Talk about family back home? The people we’re sharing a flat with for now? Or our local church? That final one might actually be the right answer for any of us.

Then there are missionary gatherings! Some of the fiercest complaints I have heard relate to being asked to share rooms at conferences when every effort is made to give couples a room of their own and not split them up into single-sex rooms. Prayer meetings and meals can also be a real struggle—where to sit, who to talk to. Again, this is not unique to single people. I know mums of small children often feel isolated too. Wouldn’t it be great if we could work together to make sure no one left a gathering feeling more lonely than when they arrived?

Finally, there is a missional edge to all of this. If we can respond to some of these challenges for single missionary friends, we may be better equipped to build bridges to other single people around us. With around one in four men and one in six women in Japan never-married at age 50, that’s quite an opportunity.

Books we’ve found helpful are Families at the Crossroads, Rodney Clapp; The Single Issue, Al Hsu; 7 Myths about Singleness, Sam Allberry, but there are lots out there!

This article is adapted from part of the presentation given at the February 25, 2019 JEMA Connect meeting in Ochanimizu, Tokyo. This event included a session about helping single people flourish in life and ministry in a mission context.

1. Brooks Waldron, “Singleness with Purpose,” https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/singleness-with-purpose/, (November 17, 2010).
2. Beverlea Parkhill, “Self-Care for Single Mission Workers within OMF International” (MA diss., Redcliffe College, validated by University of Glouchestershire, UK), 2018.