Japanese Relational Glue

They say that love is the universal language, but in Japan, you’d better bring an interpreter! Many assumptions we missionaries make about relationships and how to express love don’t translate very well in Japan. We all came to Japan with a love for the Japanese and a desire for them to know the love of Jesus Christ, but although we spent months or perhaps years studying theology and the Bible, few of us have put the same effort into studying Japanese relational patterns. I hope this article will encourage you to explore this important area of worldview and help pull back the veil on the often inscrutable world of Japanese relationships.

Friendliness and Friendship

When foreigners come to Japan, they are often impressed by Japanese politeness, but can be put off by what they perceive as a lack of friendliness. Friendliness is an important North American value, but doesn’t necessarily mean North Americans highly value deep friendships. An Indian man approached someone in New Delhi and immediately identified him as an American as opposed to a European or an Australian. When asked why, he said, “Oh, it’s obvious. You’re walking briskly like you’re going somewhere really important, and you’re looking at everyone and smiling. Americans always think everyone is their friend. But they don’t trust anyone.”¹ In his experience of Americans, friendliness was readily offered, but real friendship was seldom conveyed.

Cultural analysts Stewart and Bennett describe the typical Western mindset like this, “To be liked or loved means simply that one is worthy of love, not that one is thereby obligated to the other person. Popularity and friendship are both matters of social success and not the conditions for establishing deep relationships.”² It’s important to recognize that, compared with people from non-Western cultures, North Americans tend to emphasize friendliness but not necessarily friendship. So what is it that makes us appear relationally shallow and even selfish to people of other cultures?

Intimacy and Obligation

By Japanese standards, North American relationships lack the glue that holds intimate relationships together, namely obligation. Stewart and Bennett describe the approach like this: “While social activities occupy much of their time, Americans avoid personal commitments to others. They do not like to get involved… Americans usually prefer to pursue their social life under conditions that minimize incurring social obligations. The circumspection required to avoid social indebtedness is in direct contrast with conventions in most parts of the world.”³ It’s uniquely American to dive into a personal conversation with a waitress in a restaurant, because we assume that intimacy and commitment are unrelated. Not so in Japan.

In Japan, giri, the concept of mutual obligation, is the glue that binds people together in intimate relationships. “Giri … does not have an equivalent concept in English, [although in Japan it is considered] the most valued standard in human relationships… If pressed to define it, giri involves caring for others from whom one has received a debt of gratitude and a determination to realize their happiness, sometimes even by self-sacrificing.”⁴ I have to admit, giri wasn’t immediately attractive to me, nor is it something that comes naturally. But I have learned that faithfulness in meeting my relational obligations has done far more to deepen my Japanese relationships than the outward signs of friendliness that I am used to.

When I struggle with giri, I’m encouraged by the biblical emphasis on obligation in relationships. In the Old Testament, for instance, if a man didn’t ‘fulfill his duty’ in marrying his widowed sister-in-law, the elders would take off his sandal, spit in his face, and he and his descendants would forever be known as “the family of the unsandaled” (Deuteronomy 25:5– 10). Contrast this with North America where a man will back out on his alimony payments and resist church membership, but feel righteous when buying a stranger a cup of coffee.

Insiders and Outsiders

When I came to Japan, I quickly learned that the word for foreigner (gaijin) literally means “outsider person,” and when I saw the boundaries between insiders and outsiders, it seemed that these walls were orchestrated by Satan to exclude the disenfranchised and hinder the spread of the gospel. I now consider that view one-sided. Lines that distinguish insiders from outsiders clarify to whom you are obligated. In my more democratic Western approach, I felt proud in the perspective that I had no lines. “I’m supposed to love all people,” I thought. The problem with not drawing lines is that you can say that you’re obligated to everyone, but in reality that’s impossible and so, more often than not, we express obligation to no one and have no one who’s really committed to us in return.

As I’ve observed Japanese relational glue in the context of groups of insiders, I’ve realized that while “God so loved the world” (John 3:16), he also sees circles of relational obligation. While the Bible challenges us to love even our enemies, God particularly encourages us to recognize the deeper layers of responsibility that accompany our closer circles of trust, through verses such as Galatians 6:10, 1 Timothy 5:8. In Japan, my care for the outsider will be recognized as love, only if it is preceded by a commitment to the circles in which I am considered an insider. The same goes for my pursuit of friendships. Most Westerners adopt an individual approach and can do without a group as long as they have one or two close friends. In Japan, the opposite is the case: Japanese first demonstrate their loyalty to the group and in so doing earn the trust required for individual friendships.

I’m convinced that as missionaries begin to adapt to Japanese relational styles and infuse them with gospel truth and Kingdom values, not only will our evangelism be more effective, but our relationships will be richer and our churches healthier.

Questions to consider:

• Are you seeking to build genuine relationships or just being friendly?
• Do your neighbors perceive you as committed to the neighborhood?
• Who are you committed to? What are your circles of obligation?
• How do you see the Japanese around you expressing giri in healthy ways? 

1. David A. Livermore, Cultural Intelligence: Improving Your CQ to Engage Our Multicultural World (Grand Rapids: Baker Academic, 2009), 74.
2. Edward C. Stewart and Milton J. Bennett, American Cultural Patterns: A Cross-Cultural Perspective (London: Intercultural Press, 1991) 108.
3. Stewart and Bennett, American Cultural Patterns, 94.
4. J. Gillespie and Y. Sugiura 日本文化を英語で紹介する事典 A Bilingual Handbook on Japanese Culture (Tokyo: Natsumesha, 1996) 150.