TCKs and loss

My son, Luke, was born in Japan and attended an international Christian school in Nara for 12 years. He also grew up in the international church that my husband and I have served at as missionaries. His experiences of growing up in Japan have been rich and diverse, and if asked today, he would say that he would never trade his experiences as a missionary kid for a more mainstream lifestyle in the States. Those years in Japan have given him an international perspective on life and Christian service. His life has been enriched with friends from around the globe from places like South Africa, Australia, Finland, and Taiwan as well as friends from Japan and the United States.

However, during those 18+ years, he has also faced many losses and disappointments. The international community in Japan can be a revolving door of “hellos” and “goodbyes.” It is not easy for a missionary kid to say goodbye to someone he has grown to love deeply and to lose precious relationships routinely on a yearly basis.

Missionary children are a subset of a larger group known as Third Culture Kids (TCKs). A TCK can been defined as a child being raised by parents who are living in a culture that is not their home culture. TCKs are diverse and unique and can include military kids as well as children being raised by expat parents. We can call them global nomads due to the wide range of travels and cultures they routinely encounter.¹ They generally do not feel rooted to their parent’s culture due to their formative years being spent elsewhere.

One plane ride across the ocean can lead to the loss of friends, family, culture, language, housing, familiarity, and more. This unusually high level of loss can cause TCKs to experience much grief and stress. These constant changes and losses can impact a child well into adulthood.

Here are some practical ways parents can help TCKs deal with loss and be able to acknowledge their grief in healthy ways.

Safety

TCKs need a place of safety. Providing a constant place of safety and stability at home can help the child deal with the stresses faced daily in a foreign culture. Whatever difficulties your child may face from day to day, providing a place of safety at home will be a constant anchor of security for the child who feels insecure in the culture. Often children act out bad behaviors when they are afraid and insecure. Being at home with family should be a safe place where they can be real, be themselves, and be loved unconditionally.

Express feelings

Provide a place for TCKs to safely express their feelings. Teach children how to identify their feelings, both good and bad, and express them in a safe, appropriate environment. Children have a wide range of emotions from euphoria, excitement, and happy anticipation to anxiety, anger, frustration, and even depression. But they often do not have the skills to navigate these hard, complex emotions and need supportive adults to help them develop skills to process these sometimes larger-than-life feelings.

Helping your child learn how to express their feelings appropriately will help them to become healthy, whole adults who are better equipped to handle the stresses life brings.

Creative outlet

Provide a place for TCKs to express themselves creatively as an outlet for their stress and grief. This can provide much emotional relief. Things like art, hobbies, playing a musical instrument, creative writing, poetry, song writing—anything that will allow the child to express themselves in an enjoyable way will be beneficial to their emotional health.

Physical outlet

Sports and exercise can be a wonderful cure for stress. Getting outside and exercising can boost positive emotions. Sun and fresh air have enormous healing properties. Physical activities will help to calm the child down and provide an outlet to blow off steam.

Positive spiritual foundation

Provide a place for TCKs to grow spiritually and rely on God to help them through difficulties. Teach them their identity in Christ. Do not put the responsibility to disciple your child on your church or school. The spiritual impact a parent can have on a child is tremendous and long standing.

Parents play an important role in helping their child adjust to all the unexpected changes that take place in the life of a TCK. Let us all rise to the challenges of raising a healthy and happy TCK in a place like Japan.

1. Barbara Schaetti, “Global Nomad, Third Culture Kid, Adult Third Culture Kid, Third Culture Adult: What Do They All Mean?” Families in Global Transition, https://www.figt.org/global_nomads (accessed April 15, 2021).