Feeling stretched?

Parents’ needs rank third in factors influencing missionaries to leave Japan.¹ The likelihood that a missionary’s parents will need care increases with time. And so many missionaries feel pulled in two directions: between staying in the field and returning home. But we aren’t Elastigirl from The Incredibles or Stretch Armstrong™ —the unnaturally stretchy action figure from the 70s. How should we respond to the “stretch” placed on us by the needs of aging parents?

My own family

I arrived in Japan aged 29, when my parents were aged 64 and 61. They lived full lives and I had no concerns about them. I was free to give myself fully to missionary work.

When I turned 40, my parents were 74 and 71; they didn’t have significant health concerns and cared for one another. However, by the time I reached 50, my dad had died and my mum (81) lived alone. We began to be stretched.

My husband and I returned to Japan in 2022 after home assignment, leaving our mums who live alone, now aged 85 and 87. This was a hard decision, and we wrestled with it, especially because our siblings don’t live close to our mums. God led us clearly, although I doubt all our supporters understood.

Honouring our parents

Referencing Jesus’s care for his mother even as he was dying, one author urges that “we in the mission world intentionally seek to honour our parents and ensure they are cared for. This is an integral part of our mission—neither a liability nor a detour.”²

Honouring parents as God commanded and providing flexible and creative member care for missionaries with aging parents means that missionaries are more likely to be able to remain in Japan for longer.

For individual missionaries

Before coming or returning to Japan, it may be important to consider your parents’ current and future needs, particularly if they are older and/or struggle health-wise. These needs could be discussed with your parents, siblings, the wider family, and church family (as appropriate).

Dialogue about administrative practicalities is vital. For instance, getting power of attorney, knowing about wills, executors, and funeral plans are all helpful.

A practical needs assessment is indispensable for older or more vulnerable parents. For example, if cleaning is burdensome, consider arranging help. Getting a professional home assessment and assisted living aids (e.g., bath rails, emergency button) can enable independent living. Moving house might be necessary. Choosing an emergency contact makes sense.

Such conversations and practical steps take courage and humility on all sides. However, they provide concrete help and a sense of security for parents, siblings, and the missionaries themselves. All missionaries of any age or cultural background would do well to consider these subjects.

However, those coming to Japan for the first time as “older” missionaries and missionaries from East Asian backgrounds should give this area special thought and prayer during their application process and beyond. If care plans are not in place, difficulties may arise and impact the new missionary who is already dealing with the challenges of transition.

For missionaries with East Asian heritage, filial piety (or, duty to family) is significant. They need to give special consideration to how to honour their parents while being missionaries to Japan.

For mission agencies

Mission agencies also have a role in providing member care for missionaries with aging or frail parents.

On the home/sending side, missions should consider how to care proactively for the parents of their members. For example, discussing parental needs and care plans before departure to the field. This may also include holding events especially for missionaries’ parents.

Mission leadership in Japan should consider how to provide member care for missionaries with older parents or those struggling with ill health, such as discussing parental needs during reviews, and flexibility in family visits—possibly outside regular home assignments—and certainly outside of missionaries’ personal holiday time.

Finally

There is no one-size-fits-all, permanent solution to caring for parents. Your situation and your parents’ situation are evolving. However you provide care for your parents, you will feel stretched, and guilt or doubt may lurk nearby. Nonetheless, be careful not to believe the lie that if you lived in the same country all would be well. Going “home” is the answer sometimes, but not always.

Further, there is no perfect mission policy to provide member care for missionaries in this situation. Regular prayer and re-evaluation by missionaries and their agencies in this stretching area is crucial.

1. Janet Dallman, Staying Well: Highlighting Hazards, Highlighting Health for Missionaries in Japan (self-pub., 2021), Kindle, p.79.
2. David, R. “Editorial: Elder Member Care,” Global Member Care Network (GMCN). March 2019. Accessed on 7 May 2020 at https://www.facebook.com/groups/globalmembercare/ (private group).
Photo by Sarah Kickbusch