What about my needs and longings as a single?

Soon after coming to Japan, I came across an Instagram post from Debra Fileta, an author and counselor, that read, “If we really want to create healthy marriages, we need to back up and start by creating healthy singles.”¹ Somehow, until then, I didn’t know that singleness was an important topic to talk about. I thought that people just endured singleness internally and didn’t really discuss it, especially with married people.

In her post, she went on to ask:

“What if communities were to gather around their single friends, helping them and encouraging them in the season while they’re standing alone? What if we could impact singles while standing alone—imagine how that could change the future of our relationships?”

This began very interesting discussions in my community between marrieds and singles. It’s hard to stand with someone in their singleness if you don’t really understand singleness. How could a peer who has been married more years than they were single understand the life experiences of a single? As one family in Christ, we are not two separate groups, and we desire to grow in understanding of each other. Ever since then, this enriching conversation has been ongoing!

One of the most frequently wrestled-with questions among singles is, “What do I do with the unmet needs and longings I have as a single?” If a person lives with perpetually unmet needs and desires, how can they be healthy? What is God’s way for this?

Longing for marriage, longing in the area of sexuality, any desires that are unmet for years or decades are too heavy a burden to carry. I don’t think God means for us to carry this. So I lay it down before him as a living sacrifice, sometimes daily if I have to. And I turn to him, and seek him in the midst of this.

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life” (Prov. 13:12 NIV).

If there is no place for these desires to go, it can make the heart sick! But we do have a place where these longings are fulfilled. Jesus is able and more than willing to show you what this means. Ask him!

I believe that these longings are part of God’s design to propel mankind to seek the one who satisfies. I set my heart to discover this now as a single rather than after the honeymoon period in marriage. I seek him to discover how he is my provider in the midst of each longing, wanting to take this reliance on him into whatever may come—a life anchored in knowing how he satisfies.

“And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:19 NIV).

My journey

After a canceled engagement, I made the decision to let God choose my future husband and the timing. I found myself single for longer than I would have imagined, and this has taken me on a journey of knowing Him in the areas I thought could only be found in a husband.

“But those who seek the LORD lack no good thing” (Ps. 34:10b NIV).

“But whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst” (John 4:14a NIV).

I decided to take these scriptural promises literally and believe that God has sufficiency for us singles in each of the areas where we perceive lack—provision of abundance from relationship with him. This is meant for all people regardless of relationship status and, I believe, is especially discovered in seasons where there is no one but him.

Somehow, many of us were taught through media that a husband/wife would fulfill and satisfy every longing we have. As a result, many singles live in a suspended state of longing for marriage, holding onto this fantasy and potentially idolatrous view of marriage rather than seeking God in all these things. Through the conversations, I learned from my married friends that marriage does not fulfill these longings in the human heart! Marriage is a beautiful thing, but no person can fulfill our longings fully, completely, and always.

Dethroning all other sources

There was a process of dethroning that had to happen in my heart. There can only be one on the throne in our hearts—one in first place. And anyone or anything except Jesus on the throne is idolatry.

“Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You” (Ps. 73:25 NKJV).

During my time of beginning to learn this, I’m thankful the people around me were listening to God. They told me to go directly to Jesus. Honestly, it was shocking and almost hurtful when I was first told to go directly to Jesus. By myself? I felt abandoned by humans—the connection I had depended on so much. You want me to go, physically alone, to meet someone who is just Spirit? But I will still be physically alone! I was so stuck in that mindset.

But it was the best advice. I discovered Jesus from there. From the inside out, he met me. Being strengthened in my spirit, finding that I am fully loved in my spirit, and finding that he is always with me in my spirit affected me in the physical. I felt physically strengthened, loved, and not alone.

Where do I turn to for satisfaction?

I had settled into a routine of looking forward to certain benign things at the end of a work week. Then I felt led to do a 40-day fast from all the ways I usually sought rest, refreshment, joy, pleasure, and satisfaction apart from him. Early on, it became painfully clear how much I relied on these (not bad) things for satisfaction. But laying them down showed me how anything besides God can only temporarily and partially satisfy our longings, and the deepest longings of the human soul are only satiated by Him. I began to discover how he satisfies me and how to live as a fully satisfied woman!

Spiritual singleness

God began to show me what it means for me to live as his bride (which all his people are, as one body—see Ephesians 5:32; Revelation 19:7). He showed me how I had been living as “spiritually single” and what it now means to live as one who is completely and perfectly loved, completely and perfectly cared for.

I found myself longing to be cared for. The relationships I have provide a taste of this, but not in a complete, full, and constant way. I began to seek to know how he could fulfill this desire.

“Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7 NKJV).

I found myself longing for full partnership in the ministry God has called me for. I have beautiful relationships in Japan with people who stand with me on these things, but I don’t have the full partnership that I long for. I began to seek to know how he is my partner.

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.” (Ps. 32:8 NIV)

I found myself longing for more times of fun and enjoyment. I’m a person who loves work but equally loves and needs times of fun sprinkled throughout the week. As the friends who were always up for spontaneous hangouts got married and had children, this became a gap. These times are scheduled throughout the months, but not to the measure I desire. I began to seek to know enjoyment in my relationship with him.

“In your presence is fullness of joy” (Ps. 16:11b NKJV).

Continuing the conversation

I want to hear more from married Christians of how Jesus is ultimately their source! This ongoing conversation will help to eradicate the myth that marriage/sex is the ultimate source of fulfillment and will allow us to exhort one another, singles and marrieds alike, to seek and find Christ as the true satisfaction for our souls.

In Japan, which feels at present like a smaller dating pool for Christians than in other places, many find themselves single. Oh how we need to know this truth: that we are lacking no good thing! Singles and marrieds, who is the one who satisfies you? The answer for both is the same person.

“Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days” (Ps. 90:14 NIV).

I share this full journey in detail in Part 5 of the 55-Day PureHeart Challenge. Learn more at: https://onfire.jp/en/55daychallenge

1. Debra Fileta (@debrafileta), “If we really want to create healthy marriages, we need to back up and start by creating healthy singles,” Instagram photo, https://www.instagram.com/p/B3PzBlBHYGK/?igshid=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ== (October 5, 2016).