Singleness—a God-given choice
“Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given.”1
When “some Pharisees came to him to test him,” Jesus managed to turn the occasion into a learning opportunity for his disciples (Matt. 19:1–12 NIV). Assured by Jesus that allowable exits from marriage are extremely limited (v. 9), his disciples wondered whether “it is better not to marry” (v. 10). He then offered three avenues by which singleness may enter a life: birth, others’ actions, or one’s own decision.
Not a mold for everyone
Many factors influence a person’s choice to stay single. A reason for some people may be having same-sex attraction. My research while studying and practicing counseling led me to conclude that homosexuality develops in the context of familial and socio-economic influences, not as an orientation one is born to. However, I observed a decades-long struggle of two friends to define and live out the bond between them. My gay friend finally gave up on heterosexuality after not finding any physical attraction to the opposite sex and being unwilling to deny what he believed to be his nature before his decision to receive Jesus as Savior. With respect to sexual orientation or other issues in their current life, some people simply do not seem to be cut out for marriage. In such situations, what could marriage be but a tormenting misfit? Therefore some people choose to stay single. Certainly, we have no right to try to pour anyone into a marital mold, as the relatives of several friends have tried to do. On the other hand, with the help of the Holy Spirit and counseling, some have succeeded in shifting to a heterosexual orientation, including marriage and family.
Jesus also spoke of those who “refuse to marry for the sake of the kingdom of heaven” (Matt. 19:12 TLB). A missionary friend who was born in a war-torn country travels widely for his work, helping professionals minister to victims of war. Although he has loving friendships with others, he has chosen to forego marriage, thus feeling free to give himself to the ministry to which God has called him. Catholic brothers and sisters around the world have chosen celibacy, celebrating their freedom to serve God.
In the category of those “made that way by men,” we find Dietrich Bonhoeffer, who was described as having this attitude: “the Christian must be ready for martyrdom and death.”2 When his persecution, imprisonment, and execution on order from Adolf Hitler prevented him from marrying his fiancée, he demonstrated his readiness for martyrdom at age 39.3
Dreams…
The Grace Livingston Hill novels my mother passed on to me from her mother left me with double dreams. Reading about virtuous Christian girls saving alcoholic boyfriends and living happily ever after, I dreamed of accomplishing a heroic rescue but also of continuing as I was, single, until Jesus’ return. Since Jesus hadn’t returned by the time I’d reached dating age, I prayed for God’s choice of a life partner. Noting that my father’s unbelief seemed to have taken its toll on my parents’ marriage, I was happy to meet my former husband in church, where we served together in the choir.
However, 15 years later, as his drinking and my fear of abandonment cut into our marriage, he left. Announcing that he was divorcing me, he asked whether I planned to contest his action. In keeping with Jesus’ words in Matthew 19, I hate divorce. However, since my husband had stopped going to church and living a life in harmony with Scripture, per 1 Corinthians 7:15, I released him. Having been elected an elder in my church, I had declined ordination due to our marital conflict, per 1 Timothy 3:1–5. However, elected again in 1989 after my husband had left, I accepted ordination, embracing the singleness to which I returned, trusting God for healing, and now living my dream of walking forward with Jesus.
Mother Teresa’s example
Mother Teresa has served as a welcome role model for my readjustment to singleness. I treasure her loving support in personal correspondence, which began in 1992. Encouraged by reading books written about her doings and teachings4, I wrote to her, suggesting that she herself publish meditation books. She replied with a letter of encouragement. To this day I cling to words like these, which she spoke at the National Prayer Breakfast in 1994:
Because I talk so much of giving with a smile, once a professor from the United States asked me: “Are you married?” And I said: “Yes, and I sometimes find it very difficult to smile at my spouse, Jesus, because He can be very demanding—sometimes.” This is really something true. And this is where love comes in—when it is demanding, and yet we can give it with joy.5
Having received a calling from God to speak and write, I have been greatly encouraged by Mother Teresa’s boldness in speaking out for scriptural values, as demonstrated in that same presidential breakfast speech. She pleaded:
Please don’t kill the child. I want the child. Please give me the child. I am willing to accept any child who would be aborted and to give that child to a married couple who will love the child and be loved by the child. From our children’s home in Calcutta alone, we have saved over 3000 children from abortion. These children have brought such love and joy to their adopting parents and have grown up so full of love and joy.6
Reading this, I sent her a letter of gratitude, not expecting a reply, but was again blessed by a reply from this woman of whom it has been said that when talking to someone, it was as though they were the only other person in the world!
I have had two dreams about Mother Teresa that have greatly impacted my decisions, one of which I’ll share here. In this dream that I had soon after our personal correspondence began, I saw her on the campus of University of Northwestern in St. Paul, Minnesota, where I had recently attended a Decision School of Christian Writing in 1986. She was with some of her Sisters of Charity and suddenly exclaimed, “Let’s go on a medical mission to Africa!” “Yes, let’s!” they replied eagerly with stethoscopes already around their necks. On awakening, I thought, I’m not a Catholic, and I’m not a medical professional. Why am I having this dream? Years later in 2017, I made my first trip to Africa, visiting a former teammate in Zambia who was agonizing over her singleness. She arranged for my two single Japanese friends and me to visit an orphanage where we helped care for babies. A childcare worker had a bandage wrapped around her swollen foot. Inquiring as to her injury, I learned that four years before, she had slipped in water heated for the babies’ baths and fallen down the stairs. Surgery had been performed poorly, and she had been working and caring for her own family all that time. I asked if we could lay hands on her ankle and pray for healing, to which she readily assented. God told me to raise funds for her surgery to be done properly, so we did, and it was!
Naturally, I wished to meet Mother Teresa in person, but when I hoped to stop off in India on a visit to the States, she was on a speaking tour in Canada. When she passed away, I received numerous newspaper clippings, condolences, and expressions of concern from friends and family for my emotional wellbeing. Since we serve the same Lord, I was okay!
Following God’s call
More recently, I have been helped by the HeartChange program (heartchange.org), which began in Oregon shortly after my divorce. Attending HeartChange Workshop encouraged me to develop my relationship with God as all-sufficient Father. Its sequel, HeartDesign, was life-changing in further deepening my relationship with Jesus as Husband. HeartsOverflowing allowed me to more fully experience my relationship with God the Holy Spirit. HeartsTogether has been developed to enhance marital relationships. Since my partnership with Jesus led me to Japan in 1995, God has opened a door for me to help bring HeartChange here in Japanese. It was during my gay friend’s second time through HeartChange that he finally gave his heart to Jesus.
In the seasons of our lives, we all face choices, some of which affect our marital status. As we prayerfully choose to answer God’s call, our marital status may change, but our goal must always be the same—to please our commanding officer (2 Tim. 2:4). As Jesus suggested in Matthew 19, it is not necessary to have a physical spouse in order to please him. Above and beyond our marital status, he is glorified and we are fulfilled as we follow him. Through whichever channel singleness may have reached us, we are free to tune in to God’s best for us each day. In heaven, there will be no more marrying or giving in marriage (Matt. 22:30). After our brief sojourn on this Earth, we will all be singles for eternity!
1. Matt. 19:11 (NIV).
2. G. Leibholz, “Memoir,” chapter in the introduction to Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship (Norwich, UK: SCM Press, 2015), p. xxii.
3. Eric Metaxas, Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy: A Righteous Gentile vs. the Third Reich (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, 2010), p. 532.
4. Angelo Devananda, ed., Mother Teresa: Contemplative in the Heart of the World: Selections from Her Letters and Teaching (Ann Arbor, MI: Servant Publications,1985), p. 59.
5. Mother Teresa, “Mother Teresa’s National Prayer Breakfast Message,” February 3, 1994, Crossroads Initiative, https://www.crossroadsinitiative.com/media/articles/mother-teresas-national-prayer-breakfast-message (posted September 2, 2016).
6. Ibid.
Scan of letter submitted by author