Gift giving and Japanese culture

If the Japanese have a collective love language, I think it would be giving and receiving gifts. Whenever they travel anywhere, they come back with suitcases crammed with omiyage (travel gifts). If they move to a new neighbourhood, they give gifts to their neighbours. They give presents on New Year’s Day (otoshidama), Valentine’s Day, White Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, at the middle of the year (ochūgen), at Christmas, and at the end of the year (oseibo), as well as at weddings, funerals, and when visiting someone in hospital.

An opportunity to embrace

All this gift giving can appear excessive to Westerners, and it might be tempting to opt out of it at times (especially if the budget is tight). But if embraced and used strategically, it can open up opportunities to talk to new people and strengthen existing relationships.

For example, the custom of giving gifts when moving into a new house or apartment provides the perfect excuse for getting to know your neighbours. Likewise, giving omiyage can create opportunities to chat to people you haven’t seen for a while. And the act of giving a gift to someone communicates to them that the relationship is important to you.

An important aspect about giving presents in Japan is that it imparts a sense of obligation (giri) to the receiver. In the West, we can sometimes give a present or pay for a meal without any expectation that the favour will be returned. In contrast, there is a strong expectation that a gift in Japan will be repaid (at least in part) in the future. It can thus set in motion a constant giving and receiving that helps to maintain the relationship.

This aspect is apparent in weddings, where guests give money to the bridal couple (usually about 30,000 yen) but then receive a gift on leaving. It’s also evident in how Japanese people celebrate Valentine’s Day: men who receive chocolate on February 14th give something in return on White Day (March 14th).

Learn the rules

It’s important to know the rules when giving and receiving presents in Japan. You definitely want to avoid taking flowers appropriate for a funeral when visiting a friend in hospital! The rules can be quite complex for formal occasions, and even Japanese have to consult etiquette books to find out what is appropriate. Fortunately, there are several English and bilingual books that are helpful guides for giving and receiving. And there are a few simple rules that can help with giving in a general context.

When giving a present, pay attention to the wrapping and presentation and give it in an attractive bag. It’s also conventional to make a depreciative comment to the effect that the present isn’t anything special or an apology that it will add to the things that the person will have to carry home.

If you receive a present in person, it’s usually okay not to open it straight away. If you do open it in front of the giver, do so with the utmost decorum, being careful not to rip the wrapping paper. When you receive a gift in the post, acknowledge it straight away. Japanese people will make a short phone call on receiving a present to let the giver know that it’s arrived and to thank them for it. I heard of one missionary family who failed to do this and discovered their neighbours were upset the next time they met them.

Used well, gift giving can really help to build relationships, so it’s worth investing the time and effort to familiarize yourself with the ground rules. And if in doubt, consult with a Japanese friend.