Life-on-life discipleship

“I know I should forgive my parents but . . .” Mai’s voice trailed off.

Mai’s father is physically and verbally abusive. She resents her father for abusing her and her mother for not protecting her from his abuse. She did not visit her parents even for New Year’s Day and blames her parents for her struggles in life.

Yurusenai (unforgivable) is a phrase you hear not only in Japanese dramas and anime but in day-to-day life, even amongst children.

Forgiveness is hard. In Japan, I have noticed that it is a prevalent issue for both my non-Christian and Christian friends, leading to emotional and social disorders as well as strained or broken relationships.

Mai knew that forgiveness would be better than holding onto resentment. Nonetheless, she could not forgive. Shino similarly grew up with a father and mother who were abusive. Unlike Mai, she sees her parents every week. When her father was hospitalized, she immediately went to the hospital to see him. Why the difference? What can bridge this gap between knowledge and a transformed heart and life? I believe that life-on-life discipleship is the answer.

“Discipleship is not merely transmission of information,” Yoshito, a Japanese pastor, keeps reminding me. The disciple needs to see, experience, understand, apply, and receive feedback in the safety of a Christian community. MAWL is a helpful acronym for discipleship: Model, Assist, Watch, Launch.

Jesus did life with his disciples. As he ate, worked, travelled, and rested with them, he was teaching and modelling obedience to God in the face of temptations, opposition, and severe affliction. It was the life of Jesus and the Spirit of Jesus that radically transformed these ordinary men into extraordinary apostles who would lead thousands and fearlessly proclaim the gospel in the face of death. That is what we are called to. As we are discipled by Jesus, we are to disciple others (Matt. 28:19–20).

Jesus taught numerous times about forgiveness (Matt. 18:21–35, Matt. 6:12). Jesus not only taught it; he lived it before the disciples’ eyes. He loved them, prayed for them, and washed their feet, knowing that Judas would betray him and every one of them would abandon him. He prayed for forgiveness for his murderers as he hung on the cross (Luke 23:34). It is no coincidence that Stephen, a disciple of Jesus, when being murdered by the Jews, prayed for their forgiveness as Jesus did (Acts 7:60, Luke 23:34). The New Testament’s teaching on forgiveness is founded on Christ’s forgiveness for us (Col. 3:13, Eph. 4:32).

Impossible, Shino thought when her pastor taught her the command to “Honour your parents.” She was a new believer but continued to hate her parents for not loving her as she had desired.

The pastor and his wife listened to her and prayed for her. Shino saw how they honoured their parents. When the pastor explained that her parents were sinners like her, she was able to accept that they were not perfect, just as she was not perfect. Instead of resenting her abusive father, she began to pity him. When her parents insulted her, she began to remember Jesus’ words on the cross, “Forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34 NIV), and she was able to respond with compassion.

Shino was able to heal and forgive her parents because of the work of the Holy Spirit, the ultimate discipler, transforming her heart and life with scriptural truths. Shino was able to heal and forgive because her pastor and his wife lovingly and patiently journeyed with her. They prayed, spoke the truth in love, and modelled obedience to Jesus.

Seventeen years after Shino’s conversion, her mum, who was part of a cult and had attempted suicide, became a Christian. It was largely due to Shino’s sacrificial love and faithful witness. “My mum changed in ways I had never imagined,” Shino shared with a smile. The power of the gospel transforms and spreads as we do life-on-life with others.

Shino’s testimony was deeply inspiring. When Mai shared about her parents, I listened and sympathized with her pain and anger. I prayed for her and with her. I shared with her my own struggles and how God gave me healing and enabled me to let go of resentment and forgive through his Word and his people. Mai listened. “Would you be interested in reading the Bible with me on the topic of forgiveness?” I plucked up my courage to ask her one day. Despite her indifference to the Bible, she agreed to meet with me to read the Bible. While my efforts are imperfect, I seek to love and minister to Mai so that one day she, too, might receive the abundant life Jesus offers her.

Jesus calls us to be disciples who make disciples. How can you participate in the life-transforming work of the Holy Spirit in those around you?

Note: Abuse is a complex issue, and wisdom is required in helping victims so as to protect them from further abuse, and forgiveness does not necessarily mean trusting the abuser, especially if there is no repentance.