The secret life of TCKs
A book review of Misunderstood by Tanya Crossman
According to Tanya Crossman’s book, Misunderstood: The Impact of Growing Up Overseas in the 21st Century, it’s likely your third culture kid (TCK) has a secret life you don’t know about, and it’s hurting them. She argues that the life of the TCK rewards adaptation, academic excellence, and preserving the reputation of their parents, their country, and their God. All this effort on the outside leaves them burdened with the effort of masking their inner life of grief, loneliness, and identity confusion. If you love a TCK, it is essential to find out what is going on inside.
The most valuable and compelling part of this book is the quotes from TCKs, and they say things you have probably never heard before. One TCK shares, “Almost every TCK I know knows how to hide their anxiety from their parents.”1 Another says, “I feel a continuous frustration with my parents for their feeling of entitlement to their children’s sense of home,”2 and still another states, “I swore to myself I was going to hide my identity from now on.”3 More and more research points to the perils of adolescents maintaining a double life. We don’t want our kids to live under that stress.
The book is not all bad news. TCKs can integrate their inner and outer worlds. They can learn to settle and call a place home. They can develop their emotional vocabulary. Some of their turmoil comes from believing things that don’t have to be true, things they can be released from. They can also feel wonderfully at home in the company of other TCKs. However, they will not do any of this alone or automatically. They need adults they trust to ask them about their experiences and be okay with the answers.
I recommend this book for anyone who loves a TCK and for TCKs themselves. The author has worked with TCKs for over a decade. The fruit of her work is a colourful tapestry that vividly reveals the world our global nomads dwell in. If you’ve already done some reading in this space, the initial chapters that cover definitions may feel slow. Don’t be put off. The later chapters are well worth the effort. This is a well-researched and hopeful book that bridges a gap between TCKs and the adults who love them. Have a read.
1. Tanya Crossman, Misunderstood: The Impact of Growing Up Overseas in the 21st Century (London: Summertime Publishing, 2016), 247.
2. Ibid., 225–226
3. Ibid., 230.