The ministry of limitations

When it comes to our physical and emotional well-being, we often ask, “How are you doing?” For the one who asks the question and the one who answers it, mental health does not often come to mind (no pun intended). Billy Graham preached that the mind is a battlefield and battles are raged there every day. We take hits and are dealt wounds. We experience mental highs and lows, strain and fatigue. And on the mission field here in Japan, the battle for the mind is fierce. It is intensified by a new language, new culture, new relationships, and new and varied roles. Sometimes, the ambiguity of our roles and responsibilities can lead to confusion, doubt, negative self-talk, and frustration. There is so much happening in the mind almost all the time. We listen, learn, process, respond, schedule, plan, and wrestle with countless decisions. This can, and does, lead to mental exhaustion, which can bring about emotional, relational, and physical fatigue to us as holistic beings.

Pushed to the limit

On November 13, 2023, I was out seeing a film with friends. This happened to be on a Monday, my day off, but my mind was anything but at rest. I had been pushing hard with local ministry, full-time language learning, and regular involvement with our internship program, all while trying to settle into life in a culture and vocation that in many ways were still foreign to me. This required tons of mental energy, and mine was dangerously low.

As the film reached its climax, so did my mind. My heart started to beat heavily, my hands tingled; panic took hold of me as I battled to stay conscious. Fear crept in as I thought, If I pass out, I might not wake up. As the lights in the theater came on, I turned to my friends and said, “I’m not okay.” Explaining my symptoms, my friend got his parents, who are doctors, on the phone. They told me to lay down on the floor and put my feet up on my backpack and taught me how to breathe. How did I get here? Where could I go from here?

Following this episode, this panic attack, I started going to doctors. I filled out a depression questionnaire and started on some anti-anxiety and antidepressant medications. I started meeting with Christian counselors who have experienced and are acquainted with cross-cultural stress, anxiety, depression, and burnout. Other missionary friends courageously shared their own stories of mental health struggles. The journey toward mental health was underway. The shame, embarrassment, and feelings of being alone and misunderstood have been dissipating over time.

Embracing limitations

None of us are able to go 24/7. We need regular rest and times of refreshment. We all have limits. I think that embracing this is a struggle not uncommon to cross-cultural workers and those in a variety of ministry contexts. It certainly has been for me. If not from external sources, there is often within us a pressure to meet certain expectations. These flow from our own definitions of what is a good missionary, leader, teammate, or [fill in the blank]. How we define these roles is important because poor expectations can lead to a life without healthy boundaries or rhythms, which can lead to burnout and damage our longevity in the ministry context God has called us to. The heart of it might be an identity question: Is my value and worth based on what I do or produce? If I’m not working, am I still loved, valued, enough? Our core identity is that we are children of God, loved always, no matter what. We have been called to be part of God’s work in the world, which does not rest on one person’s shoulders. It will go on and move forward in our absence. So we are free to rest and have fun. To slow down and enjoy what God has given us. To pause, pray, play.

Sharing is caring

I often sense a lack of understanding when it comes to mental illness. I also think we all will experience some form of mental health challenge during our lives. Maybe the lack of empathy and understanding comes from the fact that such illness is not always easily identifiable. A person who comes into a room with crutches or a cast elicits an empathetic response rather quickly—“What happened? Are you okay?” are typical responses, even from total strangers. Our mental health is far more ambiguous, with few visible or audible clues. So if you are experiencing symptoms, it is very important to pull back the curtain and share with someone. Tell a friend, a doctor, a mental health professional; uncover the wounds and weariness. Then understanding blossoms, and deeper bonds can be formed. This has been true in my relationships with teammates, church family, and not yet Christian friends.

Vulnerability is risky, but it is the pathway to receiving the care we long for and need to move forward in our journey. Through openness and sharing with others about our mental health, we can be encouraged and become great sources of encouragement to others. “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Prov. 17:17 NKJV). I pray that each person reading this would know that they are not alone. I pray that God would bring each of us a devoted friend who reminds us of our ever-present and loving Lord, a friend who will sit with us, listen, give us a hug, even though they may struggle to understand. I pray that we, too, would be such a friend.

Scripture and prayer can help

Since the above incident, I have had a number of anxiety attacks, panic attacks, and bouts of depression. Prayer and meditating on the truths of Scripture is another way that the Lord has brought me through episodes. The psalmist writes, “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all” (Ps. 34:18–19 ESV). I can honestly say that the Lord has brought me through and delivered me out of every single one through breathing techniques (four-square breathing), my five senses (what do I see, smell, taste, feel, hear), prayer, friends, talking to doctors and counselors, taking medication, and going on retreats. When the walls feel like they are closing in, God can and does use people, practices, and resources to take us from a place of feeling surrounded by enemies to a place of peace, rest, and relief.

“He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me” (Ps. 18:19 NIV). I have experienced this “being brought out” many times. Once, while I was experiencing a strong panic attack in a Saizeriya restaurant, the Lord gave me a promise to hold onto: “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flame will not set you ablaze” (Isa. 43:2 NIV). I have said breath prayers. Breathing in, I would say, “I give you my worries” and, breathing out, “for you care for me.” Breathing in, I would say, “I won’t be afraid” and, breathing out, “for you are with me.”

Will this be my life forever?

I have certainly wrestled with this thought. I have asked God to take away this thorn in my flesh (see 2 Corinthians 12:7–10). He might, and he might not. Perhaps God desires to use me to comfort and care for others going through a similar battle. Maybe God wants to teach us about relying on him or to remind us of his sufficiency and our limitations. He is God, and we are not. As the Good Shepherd, perhaps he is leading you and me into life-giving rhythms and helpful expectations. Maybe the mental afflictions we experience are a gateway to healing for us and others. Maybe it is God’s way of slowing us down as we are living life too fast, too hurried.

Being on my back and struggling for breath in a theater sure got my attention! God allowed me to reach my breaking point. My life has not been the same and in many ways for the better. He revealed my felt need and expectation to be in ministry-mode 24/7; he revealed how I was disobeying him in not keeping Sabbath by ceasing and resting. I have been learning what my restful activities are, like writing, meals and movies with friends, and going to the onsen. I pray God will give revelations like these to each of us. Though the journey continues to be difficult at times, I am seeing how God means it for our good.