Past trauma, present pain

For months, I’ve had a pain in my elbow from a sports injury. When I visited a chiropractor, he did something unexpected. Instead of just examining my right arm, he also checked my left knee. He noticed how my foot was slightly angled when I walked into his office. Apparently, an old leg injury was exacerbating my new arm injury.

In the same way that seemingly unconnected body parts can impact each other, I’ve been discovering how old “injuries” from childhood can cause or exacerbate present-day conflicts. Specifically, past traumas can—and have—affected me as a missionary in Japan. Thankfully, though, I’ve found help and am able to continue serving God even if the trauma isn’t fully healed.

PTSD: The unexpected diagnosis

In 2021, I was taking my usual two-month leave in Malaysia. Halfway through, I had insomnia, anxiety, and panic attacks. I didn’t know why, but the thought of returning to Japan triggered those reactions.

A church friend recommended seeing a psychiatrist, and I discovered my anxiety was largely due to unresolved conflicts in Japan. To my surprise, the psychiatrist diagnosed me with not only burnout but also PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). I’d thought that PTSD was something only war veterans had!

On his recommendation, I took the prescribed medication, sought counseling, and rested in Malaysia for an extra four months. I also took a year off church ministry but continued other forms of ministry that were not taxing.

My counselors helped me uncover childhood traumas—called adverse childhood experiences (ACE)—which led to the conflicts in Japan and my current emotional state.

It was uncomfortable and exhausting to journey through my past. But it needed to be done for the sake of healing. It’s like what my chiropractor said: “Your right elbow is getting reinjured more because of your left knee. Though your knee was injured way back in college, it didn’t fully heal; it feels fine normally, until you start to stretch it in certain ways. The injured knee makes you unconsciously overexert your arm instead of using that leg for momentum and thrust. So unless you also take care of your knee, you’ll keep reinjuring your elbow.”

What is PTSD, anyway?

Right arm, left leg. One seemingly unrelated injury was causing another. PTSD works like this too.

Things in the present can remind me of things of the past, causing disproportionate fear or anger. This happens because traumatic events damage the amygdala, a part of the brain that regulates fight-or-flight response (that is, our physiological reaction to stress).¹

For example, one of my parents was mentally ill and abusive. The dangers of the past (my parent) made me hypervigilant towards potential dangers in the present (other adults). Now, when I encounter people who seem difficult to reason with or act in an authoritarian, overbearing way, I may feel excessive fear or anger. Even if they are not actually unreasonable or overbearing, something about them that hints of my parent sends me into a fight-or-flight response.

That’s why I was getting panic attacks during my time off in Malaysia. My brain was saying “going back to Japan is dangerous” due to unresolved interpersonal conflicts there that subconsciously reminded me of my childhood.

For privacy reasons, I won’t go into details about my biological family or the conflicts in Japan. What I’d like to share, instead, is what helped me live with PTSD and what I gained positively from the experience.

How to live well with trauma

By the end of one year, I was off psychiatric medication—which was a relatively quick recovery. I could list many other coping mechanisms or healthy habits that have helped me recover and maintain good mental health. But here are four things that are especially helpful for dealing with trauma:

First, I deliberately remind myself, “I’m not in the past anymore. This person is not my parent.”

Second, I take slow, deep breaths when feeling anxious. Sometimes I combine this with prayer, such as “Lord Jesus, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.” The combination of breathing and prayer reduces my heart rate and helps me recognize God’s presence with me in the moment.

Third, I occasionally do the Prayer of Examen. It’s a centuries-old Christian exercise in which we briefly review our past day, week, month, or year, etc. We try to see how God was present in our joys and pains, be thankful, and mentally prepare for the next day.

Fourth, I find that physical exercise releases a lot of pent-up stress. (This is how I ended up with injuries, though!) Besides playing badminton with a group of nice obaasan, I also do judo. Judo, especially, has been a great way for me to release anger in an appropriate way within a controlled environment. Due to COVID-19 I was unable to engage in this sport for three years, and that was when I had more anxiety and stress, leading up to the 2021 breakdown in Malaysia. When I finally returned to judo, I was a happier person.

Not a disadvantage

It’s now been three years since my PTSD diagnosis. Though I’m off regular medication, I’m not fully healed from childhood trauma. This can be frustrating at times, but I’m all right with it.

Back in college, I had attended counseling for quite a while and thought I had freedom from my past. But, oftentimes, God heals us in stages. Jesus didn’t heal the blind man in John 9 all at once, but in two stages.

I still react with fear or anger when meeting someone who reminds me of my childhood. And once in a long while, I still feel a level of anxiety that requires temporary medication.

I wish God would just heal me completely because it feels like walking with a limp. But my spiritual director encouraged me by paraphrasing Henri Nouwen, who wrote The Wounded Healer, “Your disadvantage may actually help you to serve well in Japan. We bring healing to others from our own woundedness.”

Recently, two Japanese male friends shared about their depression with me after I first mentioned my difficulties due to PTSD. One friend said, “You’re the first person I’ve told about my depression.” So while I may feel PTSD is a disability sometimes, I see it grants me an ability to be more sensitive and empathetic, opening doors to more personal conversations.

I’ve come to realize that there is more beneath the surface in me and in others. Have you met someone who reacted disproportionately? Seemed unreasonable or even downright “crazy”? It’s possible they may be reacting to something in their past without knowing it, just as I may. I try to keep that in mind and not take things too personally, although it can be hard to remember!

Rather than see PTSD as a disadvantage in my life, I’m learning to see it as God’s means of grace. It grounds me in humility and dependence on him. I pray it may also be his means of mercy to other people suffering silently in Japan.

1. Martin H. Teicher et al., “The Effects of Childhood Maltreatment on Brain Structure, Function and Connectivity,” Nature Reviews Neuroscience 17, 652-66, http://doi.org/10.1038/nrn.2016.111 (September 19, 2016).
Image: Vecteezy.com