A lesson from a grandfather clock

My dad loves grandfather clocks. A happy memory from my childhood is of my dad winding the clocks in my family’s home every Saturday evening—and he still does it. If the clocks are not wound once a week, they will stop working sometime during the week. Just as the clock owner must be intentional in winding his clocks in order for them to function, so must we, as the stewards of our earthly lives, be intentional in building in times of rest in order to function in a healthy way. In the case of the clock, a five-minute process is sufficient for the whole week. But for us as humans, particularly ones who live in a cross-cultural context, much more than five minutes per week is needed.

We know that in the second chapter of the Bible, God rested, and then soon after we read his command of rest for his people (Ex. 20:8–11). There is a clear command from Scripture to take a day of the week to cease from work and set aside that day for rest and the enjoyment of God. But I would venture to say that one day a week, especially for those of us living overseas, is not enough. As stewards of our lives, we have the responsibility to also establish rhythms that contribute to living lives of rest on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis. On a bigger scale, we can even look ahead to quarterly, annual, or even lifestyle changes that are necessary for long-term recharging and longevity.

Unique challenges for singles

These built-in rhythms are a good idea for everybody, but I have found that there are some aspects of rest that are uniquely challenging for singles. In general, singles need to be more intentional. We are, in a sense, the only ones available for the job of winding the “rest clock” of our lives. We have no spouse observing a need for rest or creating space for those rhythms to happen.

Everyone has to be aware of unhealthy patterns of overworking or being too busy, but this can be harder to recognize as a single because they do not have a partner to observe daily patterns. Ideally, we will have a team around us with a leader who creates and models a healthy culture of rest and also provides accountability. But eventually singles will need to make sure those routines of rest actually happen. As a result, a beautiful opportunity to partner with the Lord is created. A single person has the opportunity to invite the Holy Spirit in to be an extra “set of eyes” to notice blind spots, and together create and maintain patterns of rest. It can also be a good opportunity for teamwork and friendship in enlisting help from a teammate or friend for accountability and encouragement in actually executing the rest.

Know yourself well

Resting well requires self-study, reflection, and trial and error to find out what is restful and what is not, and this isn’t easy. I’ve learned to ask myself “What do I need to be restored today (physically, spiritually, emotionally, relationally)?” And then take the initiative—ask for help or find the resources to make those things happen. I’ve found that it’s not always easy to know what I need or how to recharge. That is part of knowing oneself and being a good steward. I’ve answered this question by making lists of things that sound fun, keeping track of what gives me energy, asking others who know me well, and just trying new things. Through this process I’ve learned that I love searching for and trying new recipes and ingredients, taking walks along the ocean, and learning about the proper ways to make green tea.

Conversely, I’ve found that being aware of what makes me tired is just as important. In addition to the obvious drainers like lack of physical sleep or too much/not enough people time, I’ve learned to take note of what else drains me, such as long meetings in Japanese or complicated relational issues. Being aware of these things helps me to be gracious with myself, build in extra rest, and plan my days and weeks with enough margin and recharge time between sometimes unavoidable cross-cultural stressors.

Living environment

For me, one of the biggest factors I’ve found that affects my general ability to be recharged or to be drained is my living environment. The truth is that living overseas is exhausting. Our home ideally needs to be a place where we can truly relax. Most rightly assume that couples and families will want their own place. But the ideal living situation for a single person is more complicated to figure out. They may need a wise team member to observe and challenge their way of thinking. The most important thing for each single person is to understand themselves and what they need to find rest where they physically live.

For my first four years in Japan, I lived with university students in a sharehouse near the university. This was a phenomenal opportunity for my language and cultural adaptation, but over time, I realized it was draining for me to have roommates changing yearly and to not have a space of my own. I realized that although I place a high value on living and discipling among the lost, that didn’t have to literally mean having the lost as my roommates.

As an extrovert, I was a bit apprehensive about how it would be living alone, but I soon realized having my own place was actually a capacity giver. I love hosting in my home, and I found that having the freedom to do that without needing to check with roommates was logistically simpler. I also found that having my own space at the end of the day provided breathing room that I hadn’t even realized that I needed. I needed my home to be a haven of rest. With that in place, I could give more, invite more, and ultimately share Jesus better.

Taking downtime is okay

Similarly, as an extrovert, my natural way of thinking is that being with people will recharge me. But actually because of the high level of initiation and the relational nature of ministry, as well as carrying the relational load of creating and managing all of my relationships, I’ve learned that recharging for me means having alone time. Planning alone time in an evening used to make me feel lazy (“I could be spending time with people!”), but a teammate reminded me that just as families plan for family time or couples plan for a date night, it’s ok for singles to think about that kind of time too. Couples and families spend lots of downtime together, and it can be easy for a single person to forget that. Downtime is part of being human, and it’s a necessary part of recharging. For me, that’s recognizing that I need a few evenings a week with nothing scheduled.

I’ve also learned to find friends who don’t require much emotional energy to spend time with, because I am often tired from relational ministry. In other words, finding the people who do recharge me or at least don’t “take much” from me. British pastor and author Sam Allberry, in his book 7 Myths about Singleness, says, “having people to do nothing with is quite important for singles. There are times when I feel emotionally tired but really want company, so it’s great to have friends you see often enough that you don’t need to spend time together just catching up.”¹ At different times in my life I’ve had greater need for these kinds of friendships. I’ve found that God cares about even that need in my life, and I can ask him and trust him to provide these types of relationships.

True rest is in Jesus

While looking at rest through the lens of physical, emotional, and relational categories is important, ultimately our true rest is found in Jesus. This is not unique to the single person, but perhaps a single person gets to experience it in a deeper way. For us, there is no spouse to see the tears on our hardest days or to share the laughter of inside jokes late at night, but there is a closeness to Jesus that can be our greatest treasure. Our aloneness has the potential to be the very thing that brings us close to him.

Jesus is calling out for us, the weary and heavy laden, to come to him for rest, and he even promises rest for our souls (Matt. 11:28-29). What a great and precious promise for all of us, but for the weary single who is alone and seemingly always initiating, this is a precious gift. It is the gift of intentionally winding the clock of our souls, giving us what we need to love him and love others well.

1. Sam Allberry, 7 Myths about Singleness (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2019), 133.