A Parent’s Perspective
God called us to Japan. My wife and I prayed about it, talked to one another and to Christian leaders, and made the choice to obey. Our kids had no choice in the matter. But their lives were affected more by the move than ours. Our basic personalities and outlook on life were already established—and though we adapted to the different culture and language, we didn’t change at the core. However, the impact on our kids will stay with them the rest of their lives. We hope and pray, but as we look at other kids raised like ours we realize there are no guarantees.
Varied results
I remember a friend in high school who had grown up in Africa, the son of missionaries. He was a good student and a popular star on the basketball team. At the “party school” where I attended we needed more solid Christians like him. He’s probably a successful doctor or college professor now.
On the other hand, I remember another girl from my Christian college days. She grew up in Ecuador, the daughter of missionaries. She never seemed at ease, and took several showers a day like people in Ecuador. She was often alone and rarely responded when people tried to talk with her. She had a hard time adjusting to life in the US.
Research about TCKs shows some interesting traits. Over 90% continue education past high school, 40% earn post graduate degrees, and 80% are in a professional or semi-professional career.1 As a group, TCKs are high achievers. But almost a third of them admit to adjustment problems such as feeling alienated, having a general sense of anxiety, loneliness, and depression.2
Challenges while growing up
Not only is it a challenge for them when they return to their home country, but living in their “adopted” country has its own rough spots. When our youngest son entered Japanese kindergarten he didn’t speak Japanese. The teachers were thoughtful and helpful, but we could see it was frustrating for him. Many days when we picked him up after school his teacher would be waiting for us. I dreaded to hear, “You need to call Mrs. so-and-so and apologize. James bit her son today.” We worked with him, but it took almost a year for him to completely stop biting. By that time he was able to talk and play with the other kids. In the light of his initial struggles, we understood when—in his last year of kindergarten—another newly arrived foreign kid bit him!
The hard experiences produce lifelong character traits. One time when I was out on a hike with my high-school-age daughter, the topic of making friends came up. I’ll never forget her saying, “Dad, you made it pretty hard for me with all the moving around.” She was right. Now that she’s an adult, she says in retrospect, “I learned to deepen friendships fast. You don’t know how much time you have.”
There is no question that growing up in Japan and moving frequently had a profound impact on our children. But growing up anywhere is a challenge. My father used to say, “We weren’t perfect parents, but we’ve always prayed that God would help you turn out well.” I’ve said the same thing to my kids. The most important thing is to bathe them in prayer.
Letting our kids know they are loved
As parents we need to let them know they are more important than our work. They aren’t tools, useful for ministry. They are treasures loaned to us for a time by God to establish them as persons.
We had several ways we ensured they felt treasured. Once a month I’d do something with them, one-on-one—a hike, a long bike ride, dinner and a movie, or shopping (not my favorite, but for the kids I’d do it). It was time to have fun and talk with each other, and for me to show my love. We also spent time together over dinner; talking, eating, and relaxing together. During this time we all learned to listen to one another and show support. For some families the evening hours won’t work, but making the time to spend together is important.
We must demonstrate God’s unconditional love for our children. Sometimes there are unpleasant consequences for behavior, but never a lessening of our love. Ephesians 6:4 tells us, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (NIV). We need to ground them in God’s Word and pray with them every day. They may get scriptural teaching elsewhere, but there is no replacing what we parents teach them. And there’s the old saying, “actions speak louder than words.” They learn even more by watching how we live.
Dr. James Dobson wrote about a note his father sent at a busy time in his life. His father warned him, “Failure for you at this point [in raising your children well] would make mere success in your occupation a vary pale and washed-out affair.”3 Those words have haunted and motivated me. If all the city of Osaka turned to Christ through my efforts, but my children grew up without knowing my love, I would have failed in my most important ministry.
Turned out okay
We’ve seen all our kids go through painful experiences, and yet develop in ways that make a parent proud. At times I’ve wished they could have grown up as “normal” kids in Indiana like their cousins. But as I look at the three older ones, living on their own now, I realize that they’ve turned out just fine. They see the world differently than those around them, but they are secure in who they are, and they have more or less adjusted to life in America. More importantly, they are ready for wherever the Lord leads them, be it their homeland, Japan, or some other foreign land. God called us to Japan, and in so doing He called our children to be TCKs. We see God’s faithful hand in their lives, too.
1. Ann Baker Cottrell and Ruth Hill Useem, “ATCKs maintain global dimensions throughout their lives,” accessed April 11, 2013, http://www.tckworld.com/useem/art5.html
2. Dana Leigh Downey, “Identity, Mobility, and Marginality: Counseling Third Culture Kids in College” (MA Thesis, University of Texas at Austin, 2012) accessed, April 11, 2013, http://repositories.lib.utexas.edu/handle/2152/ETD-UT-2012-05-5574
3. James C. Dobson, Straight Talk to Men and Their Wives (London: Hodder and Stoughton, 1982), 49.
4. Photo by Flickr user Spirit-Fire