Caring for others through listening

Now, even more than ever during this season of COVID-19, we all need to have a listening ear so we can encourage others. With so many people struggling in isolation, both Christians and non-Christians need good listeners to help them process their struggles and to help facilitate inner healing.

By listening, we can show care and concern to all the people we encounter in our daily lives: family members, neighbors, church members, classmates, students, and beyond. Everyone wants to truly be heard.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, is his book Life Together, states, “The first service that one owes to others . . . consists in listening to them.”¹ Consider those in isolation who crave someone to listen to them. Bonhoeffer goes further to say, “Many people are looking for an ear that will listen. They do not find it among Christians, because these Christians are talking where they should be listening.”² The temptation is to elevate speaking above listening. I suggest that listening is as valuable as speaking.

When my son, Luke, was in Japanese kindergarten, each afternoon he’d come home and loved to share his daily adventures with me over a snack. I loved those chats, but if the truth be told, at times, I was too distracted with household responsibilities to listen fully. I only gave him my partial attention. I quickly learned that hearing is not the same as listening. I could multitask while hearing his words but lacked the focus to listen well due to all the daily life distractions. How much more enriching would our interactions have been if I had listened fully.

The years quickly passed, and Luke morphed into a teenager. Suddenly, his responses to my questions would be one-word answers. He did not share many words with me, and I needed to adjust my listening skills to be more observant of his body language. I needed to learn how to ask open-ended questions that did not lead to a one-word answer. He taught me new lessons on listening well.

Now Luke is in college in California and our conversations are limited to video chats online. This is a new skill—to communicate through technology. Yet, we can still listen well to others as a gift of service. We can pick up cues from facial expressions and body language. Technology is not a hindrance to good communication, but can be an aid to serve others well.

The Bible teaches us some things about listening well. In James 1:19 it says to “be quick to hear” and to be “slow to speak” (ESV). What a wonderful gift we can offer by quickly hearing. This can be a lot of hard work and effort, but it is so worth the investment. The Bible also teaches us in Galatians 6:2 to “bear one another’s burdens.” Listening well is a wonderful way to help fulfill the mandate to carry burdens for others. To listen to people’s problems can be a heavy burden to bear, yet we are commanded to do so. Listening well gives us an opportunity to live out these Christian principles in tangible ways.

We can all learn to be better listeners. Especially during this season of COVID-19, we can give the gift of a listening ear to those around us. Listening well is not an easy task but can be a true encouragement to others.

Here are some tips on how to listen well, whether in person or through technology.

Listen with empathy

Empathy means to understand and share the feelings of another. In order to listen well, we need to come to the conversation with empathy for the person we’re with and for what they are saying. We need to try to see the situation from their perspective and to imagine how they’re feeling. Empathy helps enforce great listening skills.

Don’t judge

We need to come to the conversation with a nonjudgmental attitude. Even if they share their sins and struggles, we can listen without criticism. Offer grace in the same way grace has been offered to you. It can be life changing.

Be patient

Sometimes people need time to talk through all the issues they are facing. Don’t rush them. Don’t interrupt. Let them share openly and honestly. Often people simply need to voice their thoughts and frustrations. While the process is sometimes not clear and may not make sense, it will help them to process verbally. Verbal processors need to get things out in order to organize their thoughts. As a sounding board you can truly help someone come to a point of clarity.

Pay attention

Pay attention to what is being said. Put your cell phone away during the conversation. Respect the person talking by giving them your full attention.

Be aware of body language

Notice how the person responds physically. Are they crying, frowning, agitated? These physical cues will communicate what may be going on inside the person. Body language speaks as much as words.

Just as the speaker’s body language communicates a message, so the listener’s body language communicates a message as well. Be conscious of your own body. Your facial expressions, how you are sitting, eye contact, and how your arms are placed can all communicate to the recipient whether you are listening and how much you care.

Ask questions

Ask open-ended questions. Stay away from questions that required a yes/no response. If you ask the right questions, a person may really open up and talk about what is happening in the situation.

Reflect back

You can repeat back to the person what they are saying in order to confirm that you understand and are listening. This shows care and attentiveness to the speaker. Affirm what is said with a statement like, “I hear you saying—”or “let me confirm that means—.”

These same principles can apply to online meetings and conversations on Zoom. People in isolation are dying to talk to people about their struggles.

I have been a missionary in Japan for 24 years. As I’ve communicated with my mother over a long distance, I have learned that listening well can be a gift to both people involved. When we first arrived in Japan, we would talk on the telephone. My mother and I would talk and share things. Our conversations were two-way. As my mother aged, she moved from an independent lifestyle to a dependent lifestyle in nursing care. She suffered from Alzheimer’s and had various special needs. As her care needs increased, I continued to talk to her on the phone. She often did not make sense, but I asked questions and listened as well as I could.

As the Alzheimer’s progressed, she became nonverbal, almost as if she had forgotten how to talk. However, I still tried to talk to her via Facetime. Sometimes she would only look at me with a blank stare. But when I asked her questions, she still seemed to respond with her facial expressions and body language. I really tried to listen well even though she didn’t speak much. I learned many things from my mother about different ways to listen. It required a lot of patience, perseverance, and effort. Listening well was both a gift to my mother and a gift to me. I am thankful to God for teaching me the importance of being a good listener. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 instructs us to “encourage one another.” Listening is a wonderful way to encourage and serve one another. Are you willing to listen?

1. Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Samuel Wells, ed., Life Together (New York City: Harper Collins, 2009), 97.
2. Ibid, 97-98