I’m not actually single

Have you ever had problems filling out basic forms where you know what answer they expect you to give but it does not feel quite right? I often have that issue. I can put in my name well enough, as long as there is not a strict character limit that has Japanese names in mind rather than Western ones. Date of birth, check. Gender, check. I know there are people who are challenged by the gender question, but I am more than happy to put in the expected answer and move on. Married or single? Now, that is where I find the problem. In all legal senses, I am not married now, nor have I ever been. Yet I find myself uncomfortable with calling myself single.

How I became a bride of Christ

I am not single; I am a bride of Christ and Christ alone.

This is not a situation that came about by accident, nor am I the only one who has received a calling like this. It isn’t because something or a series of somethings made me give up finding a husband. It isn’t because I was not interested in having a husband.

How it came about was simple: he asked, and I said yes.

It was a night back when I was 18. I was not heartbroken, nor did I even have a specific crush, though I was definitely interested in and amused by boys. If asked, I would have said I was more focused on a boyfriend than a husband at the time, but I was definitely interested and hopeful that someone right would come along.

I was an insomniac. I do not say that for your pity but simply to explain that I had a lot of quiet time. I spent most of that time listening to music, reading, writing stories, praying, and, in general, thinking about life and even boys. On one prayerful night, I felt God ask the question, and it both shocked me and yet resonated with every fibre of my being. Would I take all the energy I would normally put into finding a boyfriend, a husband, or such satisfaction and instead put it into my relationship with God? Would I be happy to make Jesus my one primary relationship? I had been a Christian for two years already, so this was not a question of salvation but a specific calling in my relationship with Christ. I said yes joyfully. So, joyfully, I got a bit too energetic and woke up my mother, who came to see what was going on.

There are moments that seem so significant that they form your life and influence all your memories. This was one of those moments for me. Saying yes that night felt immediately like a life-changing event. More than 30 years later, it is still one of the most powerful moments of my life and my walk with God.

In case you are wondering, I do wear a ring. Sadly, not my first one as I lost it during my first term in Japan. I did not inherit these rings; they were bought for this one purpose. I am honoured to wear a ring, and honestly, I would rather have people make the assumption that I am married rather than single.

Everyone has a different story

While I am aware that my story is not an everyday one, even among singles, I have been surprised by the response of so many people who hear that I am a bride of Christ.

Becoming a missionary was a great help in the local church community, who now seem to accept me as some kind of nun. I am okay with that. Yet I was surprised by how many in the missionary community seem to struggle with accepting my singleness. There have been too many times where a missionary hears that I am a bride of Christ and feels they need to rush in and say that they are more than happy to pray that God might provide me with the right man. Of course, I already feel I have the right man. I mean, who can compare with him?

In my life, I have known people who were single even if they did not want to be and a few who were moderately content that this was their life. I have known people who married young and those who chose to wait. I have known marriages that have been happy and those that have been unhappy. I have known marriages that are good and strong. I have known marriages that have broken down into divorce. Sadly I have known a few where one spouse was widowed early. I have studied premarital, marital, and postmarital counselling. I have learned that even with “Mr. Right,” marriage is not easy. Marriage does not provide all the answers. Simply put, it is not nearly as glorious as my 18-year-old naive self wanted to believe. Yet that does not mean marriage is a bad thing. I know people who are as ready to praise God for the partner God provided them with as I am.

No regrets

I have never once regretted this life. My life has certainly had its share of challenges. Yet being a bride of Christ has taught me how much I can rely on him.

I learned long ago that there are things that I am not gifted in. Quite a few things, actually. Many of them come up regularly enough in life, and I need to deal with them.

With my parents’ and many other marriages, a partner can often step up to assist because they are, at least somewhat, more gifted in that area. Or, at the very least, the couple can stumble through things together. This, as I see it, is one of the beautiful things about a good marriage. A balance of companionship and practical assistance in life.

Adult life definitely contains things I am not gifted at, and I remember struggling in my twenties with a number of the practical requirements of life. At some point, it occurred to me that if I was married to Christ, I should be relying on him to fill in what I cannot do. Intentionally saying “This is not something I am good at, so it is Jesus’s job and I will help him as I am able” has been such a game changer. I do still stress out about things. Yet relying more on him has brought other people in my life who have been happy to support me in my areas of weakness. It means that I have become more capable or brave in some areas. It is a constant reminder that I am not alone and I am not meant to live this life as if I were alone.

One of the most poignant moments that reminded me of this was a few years ago. I was sick to the point of being bedridden, and doctors were unable to find any painkillers whose side effects did not add to the seriousness of the problem. Jesus did not come to my bedside with a promise of healing and take all my problems away. It felt more like he was sitting on the side of my bed and weeping with me, weeping over the pain, the limits of medicine, how far away my friends and family seemed, and my own inability to be useful. He was the companion that I needed—the irreplaceable companion who did not leave when life got rough and was not afraid of my pain. He was right there, day and night, my strength and my rock.

Whether it is practical life issues, such as finances or studying Japanese, or the more serious issues of broken health, I would choose no other partner by my side. I am neither single nor lonely. I am not somehow deficient because I do not have a man in my life. I am blessed, blessed with the most wonderful partner God could provide. Blessed to be able to live this life by his side, relying on him, knowing that he will take care of me and love me through whatever life or death may bring.

So am I single? I would like to say “no.” Yet the fact remains that in the eyes of most people, I am single because I have never gotten married in any conventional sense. Either way, I am decidedly unavailable. Yet this is not true of all single missionaries. They may feel called to be married and appreciate your prayers for that. Have you ever asked your “single” friends or coworkers what their story is? It may not be what you think.