Overcoming an addiction to romance

I want to share part of my story in the hope of encouraging you.

Last summer, I finally had to admit that I was addicted to reading romantic novels and fantasizing/dreaming up romance stories.

This started way back when I was a teen. At that point, I didn’t really think of it as a problem. But over the years, this became my way of escape. When I was overwhelmed by life, I would read or dream up stories. I was not always discriminating about what I read, so some of it was . . . well, I guess you understand. I had long stretches when all was going well, but then also times when this issue was more prominent.

For a long time, I was not willing to admit that this was really a problem, let alone a sin. For me, it was not about sex but recreating the feeling of falling in love. What could be wrong with that? And what could be wrong with reading? In my last term, and then particularly during time in my home country, it became worse. Before I left Japan, I’d known I had a problem and needed to get help. I tried, but my shame was so great that I couldn’t really bring myself to follow through.

Because excessive reading and daydreaming went along with an unwillingness to relate to God, read the Bible, and pray, I knew all was not well. But at the same time, I was angry with God because I felt he wanted to take something away from me. I was convinced that I needed the reading and daydreaming to help me deal with the stress and burden of life. It seemed he wanted to take away the chief pleasure in my life. As God didn’t seem willing to fill the void, that made me escape into my fantasies or reading, so I felt somewhat justified in my behaviour. I tried again and again to break free, but I always fell back eventually. From a logical standpoint, I knew that God was able to set me free. But as he didn’t do it, the only conclusion I could draw was that he didn’t want to. Maybe this was my “thorn in the flesh,” as Paul phrased it in 2 Corinthians.

Coming back to Japan, the stress of transition triggered my addiction to a whole new level. I became less and less available for my family, and I had no interest in interactions with anyone because they just interrupted the daydreams that helped me to cope.

When I listened to a podcast about addiction, I finally had to admit that I was addicted. Before, I had seen it as a problem but not really an addiction. I decided then that I didn’t want to find out how much worse it could get and that I would get help.

Getting help

It took two attempts to actually ask for help from someone I trusted. The shame that a missionary could fail in such a way was overwhelming and almost stopped me. I thought that if our supporters knew, they would never pray for me or give financial support. A few years back, I had been thinking about shame and even gave a short message about it. I understood then that shame keeps us in isolation and is not a good advisor. But actually pushing through the shame was very hard nonetheless. But I am so glad and thankful I did it. It was the first step to healing.

I looked into recovery from addiction (any form of addiction) and found helpful patterns to follow. Many follow the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous in some way or other. An important step is to make a life inventory. I did this when I worked through a book that was recommended to me, The Bondage Breaker by Neil T. Anderson. It helped me tremendously, and I would like to recommend it to you. A key for me was to realise how many of Satan’s lies I had been believing, for example, that I would lose all the pleasure and relief in my life if I gave up my addiction or that God didn’t want to set me free.

I discovered lots more about myself, and though not necessarily connected to my addiction, these areas needed correction too. Once I started to see the truth and choose truth, so much started to make sense in Scripture and in my life. I fell in love with Jesus once again.

There is hope

By God’s grace, since the day I talked to someone about my struggle, I have avoided romance novels and learned that I need to stop thoughts that wander into unhelpful directions.

There is definitely still temptation, and I am very conscious of how easily I can slip, but I know God gives me everything I need to overcome temptation. Before, there seemed no way I could resist. But that was another lie.

Back then, when people said things like “You have to choose the truth and resist the devil’s lies,” or “You have everything you need to walk daily in the victory of Jesus,” it always sounded holier-than-thou and not something I could relate to. But there is actually a lot of truth in these statements, and I know now that they were not meant to make me feel bad but to point me to the truth. I almost gave up hope at times. I asked God a few times to let me die because the pain of my constant failure was unbearable.

But there is hope. There is joy and peace in this life! What God did for me he can do for you. There is nothing, absolutely nothing I did to deserve to be set free. As far as I can see, the only thing I did was admit I needed help and tell someone who could help me. And since then, I’ve seen God guiding me to the Scriptures, books, and sermons to grow me and help me keep walking in the light.

One thing that helped me tremendously was that I had always been convinced that God is good and loved me. I hope and pray that you know that deep down in your heart. And if not, then let me tell you that it is true. God’s love for us—for you—is unfathomable. He knows the whole extent and the exact nature of your struggle, and we usually say, “But he loves you anyway.” Brennan Manning, an author I really like, once explained there is no “but.” God loves you. Fiercely.¹

My prayers are with you.

1. Author’s paraphrase of concepts in Abba’s Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging, Brennan Manning.