Returning, not retiring: Discerning God’s unwanted guidance

On August 27, 1996, I sat on an airplane headed for Narita Airport equipped with a calling to serve Jesus in Japan for the next two years and a brand-new mini Bible. The inflight magazine had an article about the Ten Commandments, so I pulled out my Bible to look them up. As I flipped through Exodus, I noticed a section heading titled, “God’s Angel to Prepare the Way.” I stopped and read: “See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared” (Ex. 23:20, NIV).

Flying to the country for the first time to live and minister, I was encouraged by the words I read. Even though I had been waiting to get to Japan since I was 13 years old and knew God had called me to be here, I could not speak the language and had not met the missionaries with whom I would be working. I returned to this verse many times during the first few months in Japan, especially when I had to get on a train to travel somewhere by myself.

That first two-year term was to help my mom see that I really could live in Japan and God had called me to be here for my career. It was a joy to return as a career missionary in November 2001. I had had the privilege of growing up in a church that supported a missionary in Japan who had lived here her whole career. She returned to the US the year I came, and I felt like I was going to do the same thing. I, too, would live and minister in Japan until I retired.

What a shock, in January 2022, when I began to hear God speak about change, about returning to the US soon, while still in my mid-fifties. We had a little discussion—I reminded him that I was staying until I retire. He reminded me that his timing is different from my timing.

I spent much of the winter in prayer, listening to Jesus. Once I understood this was his leading, I began talking with a small number of friends and colleagues who I knew would pray with me through this discernment process. The support and prayers of these trusted sisters and brothers gave me the peace and assurance to know this was God’s leading.

Research campaign

I had planned to be in Japan until I retired. I did not know what it would look like to make such a big change. Both of my parents had basically worked in the same job all their lives. Many of my colleagues had recently retired. I didn’t know who to talk to. Was I making the right decision? What would it look like to leave? What would it look like to return to my passport country?

So I read books about decision-making, about transitions, and about ending well. As one who loves to read and study, these books encouraged me and challenged me.

Along with all the books and articles I read, I also started talking to friends who had gone through a similar transition of returning to their passport countries even though they had planned to stay until retirement. I sent a survey that some people filled out or that I used to interview others.

My main questions were about how people made the decision to leave, the emotions involved and how people processed them. I also asked about reentry. The people who replied had served 4–25 years in Japan, Dominican Republic, Brazil, and Macedonia. Although some of them had originally committed to short-term, they all had expected to stay long-term, which most defined as until retirement.

How people made the decision

We each make decisions in different ways. I suppose there are as many answers to the question of how one decides as there are people who are asked. However, I did notice some themes.

The most common theme was prayer. One respondent said, “Sit with God. Stay longer. Slow down and be quiet with Him.” I appreciated this response. Making this decision to change course midstream is not something we can do spur of the moment, on a whim.

Another respondent noted that because they know God’s voice from walking with him for years, they could hear him clearly. This ability to know God’s voice comes out of time spent with Jesus, sitting with him, staying longer.

One married person said that they had to lean into each other as a couple. What was God saying to them individually and as a couple? As a single person, I do not always think about how married people make decisions.

The second most common theme was conversation with a mentor, a small number of friends and/or colleagues, or supporters. God has created us for community, to seek him together, to listen to him with and for each other, and to notice what he is doing in each other’s lives. I am grateful for the people in my life who are willing to sit in Jesus’s presence with and for me.

Emotions

The emotions involved in making such a decision and transition are what one might expect: grief, anger, depression, loneliness, relief, sadness, fear, peace, comfort, uncertainty, second-guessing, confusion, lostness. The methods of processing these emotions again are as numerous as the people and personalities answering the question: journaling, prayer, debriefing, crying/allowing oneself to cry, counseling, resting in God’s peace, lots of time with the Lord, talking with friends.

Many of the people who responded intimated that the journey of processing these emotions takes more time than one wants to admit.

Reentry questions

Now that I have made the decision to return to the US and have begun processing the emotions that go along with this decision and transition, the questions about reentry are growing. The comment from one respondent that challenges me the most is “Be patient!” I am working on patience with Jesus’s help. Others also mentioned giving yourself grace and time to just be. This is a huge life transition that should not be rushed.

Several people recommended attending a formal debriefing for missionaries. Noting that it is often an expensive investment, one person said that an alternative is to at least find a person with whom to process my emotions, experience on the field, and reentry—a trusted friend or pastor or a spiritual director.

As I prepare to get on an airplane again to change countries, I rely on the promises of God that he will never leave me and that he will, again, send an angel ahead of me to prepare the way. I leave you with two bits of advice from our colleagues:

“Knowing this is where the Lord has led you really helps—just like it did when you first went to the field.”

“The Lord loves us deeply, and no matter what choices we make in the process, he is with us. Do not worry.”

Photo submitted by author