Saying Sayonara to Goodbyes?

How many of you own a smart phone? I picked up my first smart phone about five years ago. I wanted to be more connected to the global world in which I worked, not knowing fully the impact of my decision. I’m a firm believer in the development of technology and also using technology to help me manage my life. But let’s admit it, smart phones have changed the way we communicate and also the way we do life.

No need for goodbyes?

I recently spoke to a TCK about the importance of saying goodbyes as they prepared to leave their host country and transition to their passport country for college. We were talking about how necessary it is to have good closure to the many relationships which they have enjoyed while living abroad. I was surprised when the TCK said, “I don’t have to say goodbye anymore . . . I don’t need to have closure. I’m always connected with my friends from around the world with my iPhone and Facebook.”

As I thought about his response, I had to admit our world seems to be getting smaller and smaller with the advances in technology, allowing us to move in and out of relationships more easily. So, on the one side, I had to agree that goodbyes may not be the same as 20 years ago, but on the other side, I know that good closure is crucial to the emotional adjustment of TCKs. So, I find myself living in tension with this new paradigm produced by the wealth of technology at our fingertips.

If you ask TCKs what they miss most about the cultures they grew up in, one of their top three answers will likely be related to people or relationships. These may include relationships within the family context, school friends, national friendships, dorm parents, or teachers. I don’t think there is anything unusual about this response. The relationships TCKs make while living abroad are a major contributor to their overall development.

TCKs hold their “deepest relationships” close to their heart! They are willing to fly halfway around the world for their high school reunions. The relationships are important and in many cases life-long. There are people in our world who go through life with only one or maybe two significant relationships, while many TCKs are “relationship rich” because of the depth of relationship they have with the kids they grew up with.

To truly understand the world of a TCK it is necessary to understand how these relationships work. To support a TCK we need to care for and nurture these relationships. Emotionally and spiritually healthy relationships throughout their developmental years will prepare them to face the many transitions in their life journey.

So, the question remains: Do TCKs still need to process quality closure and say their goodbyes? I say, “Yes.” God has designed us as relational beings. And though they can continue to relate with their friends via smart phones and Facebook, the relationship isn’t the same once they are no longer physically present with their friends.

The value of saying goodbye

Each of us deals with goodbyes differently. Have you ever noticed? For most TCKs, goodbyes are just about the worst thing in the world. I think this is due to the depth of relationship they share with one another, but it’s also true that most of us don’t like goodbyes.

While serving overseas in Papua New Guinea, we lived in a remote part of the country where small aircraft were used to bring people to and from our mission center. Each year after high school graduation, there were long hours at the airstrip where final goodbyes were shared.

In the 10 years we served overseas, these were the most painful moments. But as I look back on it, they were also some of the richest. We watched as TCKs who had grown up together would hug, shed tears, and hug some more. I’ve often said to TCKs we work with, “It is the goodbyes that hurt which make you realize the relationship was truly worth it and life changing.” If there is pain involved, it means you have shared your soul with one another. For this reason we need to take the time to say proper goodbyes with one another—to look each other in the eyes, and say the words and feel the emotion. Our relationships are richer because of it.

Are you saying goodbyes well?

How well you have managed the goodbyes in your life? Take the necessary time to connect emotionally with those we farewell. Don’t allow your smart phone or Facebook to get in the way of saying a proper goodbye.

Airports are part of the life framework of global families. We come and go through terminals and gates more times than we can count. It is at an airport where you often see goodbyes being shared—but is also at airports where you see happy welcomes shared.

I believe that in order to have a meaningful welcome, a quality closure is helpful. I encourage you, in your comings and your goings, to take the time to say goodbye, do the necessary work to provide closure to the relationships you and your children have, and then look forward to the ongoing communication that technology provides.

I like what TCK James Mitchener had to say about goodbyes:

“The way I see it, whether we’ll meet again or not, that goodbye isn’t the end. If you simply don’t want to see me, or perhaps no longer walk this world, the end result is always the same. I am a TCK, and I have lived my entire life in a string of relationships that last not much longer than the passing of a season.

But just because that relationship has floated on in terms of time spent face-to-face, the moments we shared have shaped me into a different person, and pieces of you will live on with me forever. In that single season, in just one tiny conversation, you changed me for the better. And even if we are never to cross paths again, I will carry you for the rest of my life, and share what you taught me with others. In the end, I will always keep you with me, and the lives of those I meet will be made better because of the time we spent together.

And that’s my TCK goodbye.”¹ 

1. James R. Mitchener, “A TCK Goodbye,” May 30, 2012. http://thirdculturekidlife.com/2012/05/30/goodbye
2. Photo by Sean Hobson