Singleness in the church: learning contentment and how to be a blessing

Recently I sat down for a cup of tea—via Zoom—with Koyuki Sami, executive director of the OMF Japan Homeside Team, to discuss various issues related to singleness in the church. The following are excerpts and paraphrases (for the sake of condensing) from our conversation. We focused on those who have never married, which is what we personally are familiar with. We understand that the issues will be slightly different for those who are divorced or widowed, especially for those with children.

Christina: What would you say are some typical challenges for singles in Japanese churches?

Koyuki: It really depends on the age and the person. For those in their twenties or thirties, they face a big decision of whether to marry or not and who they should marry. For Christian women, this is often a very difficult decision as there are so few single Christian men in the church. If the young person is the only Christian in their family, there may be intense pressure from parents to get married, regardless of whether the spouse is a believer or not.

For those in their forties and above, the biggest struggle may be a sense of loneliness and wondering where they belong. Singles in their forties are too old for the seinenkai (young adults’ group) but also may not feel part of the fujinkai (women’s group) as these members are typically married with children. The single woman may feel out of place as she cannot really relate to many of the topics discussed.

Once you get into your sixties, you realize that you have no one to journey with you in your old age, and no one to take care of you as you encounter different health issues related to aging. As you discover new physical limits, including sickness and injury, you realize how fragile and alone you are. Many older single women may be busy taking care of their aging parents and, at the same time, wondering who will help them when they get to be their parents’ age.

As for single Christian men, especially as they get older, they may feel even more lonely and have difficulty finding a place where they feel they really belong.

Christina: What are some blessings that you or those you know have experienced as singles?

Koyuki: There are some wonderful blessings that come with being single, most of which are related to the freedom we have to spend our time and money the way we feel led. We can choose to be a blessing to others, even in our loneliness. We can choose to be an auntie or uncle to younger people and young families. We may be freer to do things for others; as a single, your decisions are often just between you and the Lord. (This is also a big responsibility as you have to decide everything by yourself!) Because of this freedom, many singles are very devoted to the Lord. If you look at almost any overseas missions agency, for example, you will find many singles serving as missionaries.

Christina: Looking at the Japanese church from the outside, it seems that there are many Christians (usually women) who marry non-Christians. Would you agree that this is a trend in Japan?

Koyuki: It does seem to be a trend. There are really two types of these marriages. Type A, where one partner—usually the wife—becomes a Christian after marriage, and Type B, where a Christian chooses to marry a non-Christian. It may be that there are so many Type As around that young people think that that model of marriage is not a problem, and so they choose to marry a nonbeliever. However, I believe many Christians struggle in such marriages. Often, though of course not always, the nonbelieving spouse becomes less open to the gospel after marriage than while they were dating. It can often lead to the Christian spouse feeling lonely and even opposed when they want to go to church, attend weekly prayer meetings, etc. It can become even more complicated and difficult if children are involved, as the non-Christian parent may oppose their child(ren) being exposed to the gospel.

Christina: I recently had a conversation with a university student who is dating a non-Christian guy. Her father is a pastor but approves of her dating and even marrying this young man, regardless of whether he becomes a Christian or not. I asked her why she was willing to marry a non-Christian, and she said that because there are so few Christian men around, she had no choice. I mentioned that singleness could be a choice, to which she replied, “But I want to get married.” How would you respond to this young woman?

Koyuki: I think the young lady is being optimistic that the young man will come to the Lord and that God will use their relationship to do it. Of course, this is always possible and we pray it may be so; however it is more likely that he may not become a believer. Many young people can’t imagine the reality of living with someone they can’t pray with, can’t share the core part of themselves with, how hard that actually would be.

Christina: It also seems like there is an emphasis on marriage in the church or in society. What could the church do better in terms of teaching about singleness and marriage?

Koyuki: It is important for the church to be faithful to the teaching of the Bible, where we see that both the married state and the single state have blessings and challenges. It is true that in the beginning, it was not God’s intention for people to remain single. Marriage was God’s blessing to us. However, since the fall, singleness has become part of human life, but it is not a curse! It is a state of life out of which God can make beauty. God is blessing singles and using them to bless the church and advance the gospel. We also have some great role models in the Bible, most notably Jesus Himself, Who never married, and of course Paul, who wrote quite a bit about how his singleness helped him to serve the Lord. We can think of more modern role models, too, like John Stott, Mother Teresa, and Amy Carmichael.

Teaching on singleness is not so common in the church in Japan. It may be that because most pastors aren’t single, they feel they don’t have much insight to offer. They may also feel responsibility to help singles find a partner.

Christina: What could the church do better to help singles flourish? And what can singles do to be a blessing to the church?

Koyuki: Offering balanced biblical teaching on singleness and marriage would be helpful. The church can welcome singles fully as adults, not as problems to be fixed by marriage. This includes realizing that each individual has different experiences with singleness. Some may want to be married while others are very content to remain as they are.

Christina: It would be good to have more openness in the church to talk about singleness. There are often talks on marriage and family (which is wonderful!), but not many on singleness. Singles and marrieds can learn from each other about their challenges and blessings. I think church members can be intentional about inviting singles over for a meal, games night, or movie night with their family, welcoming them as aunties and uncles.

Koyuki: Yes, though in Japan, it is not so common to invite people into the home. The church can have mixed small groups of all ages and stages, which is a reflection of the true church anyway! The basic need is to create spaces where people feel they belong and feel loved and cared for, and also where they can care for others.

Singles can also take initiative to invite couples and families into our homes or to do an activity. Practically speaking, though, it is easier for a family to add one person to their dinner table than for a single to add a family to their table, but it can still be done.

Christina: Or be proactive about offering to babysit for friends with younger children, to bless the parents with some time alone.

I think there is also a huge need for pastors to preach about contentment in the Lord versus focusing on whether someone is single or married.

Koyuki: That’s very true. We can’t assume that the single state means discontentment while being married means contentment. Both have blessings and challenges.

I learned this for myself during a difficult time. I learned about how solitude and loneliness are different. Solitude includes contentment, being full of gladness to the Lord because He is with me. If you are always with someone, like Paul said, your attention may be more on how to please and serve them (i.e., your family). But as a single, your primary focus can be on how to please God. It would be good to have pastors share more about their own experiences of contentment in the Lord.

Christina: Is there anything else you’d like to say about this topic?

Koyuki: While Japanese politicians are really pushing for marriage and children, I think there is actually less family pressure to marry now than there was 30 years ago. In my childhood church, there were many wonderful single ladies, including the founders of the church, and the church had high respect for them. If we have good examples of contented singles who are happily serving the Lord, loving and caring for others, it may give people a different opinion about singleness.

For example, during my time as a missionary in the Philippines, I stayed with a family of seven for a while. Two of the children were in their early twenties and were desperate to find boyfriends. Their mother said, “Look at Koyuki! She is still single yet she’s happy. You don’t need to get married to be happy.” This was so encouraging to me; I felt that I had shown this family a good example. If people think that being single means not being happy or not being complete, then they need to see some examples of contented singles. While we do have some unique anxieties and challenges, especially as we face aging alone, we also have the opportunity to keep trusting God to meet all of our needs.