Taking precautions and leaning on two truths
How one missionary has coped with depression over many years of service
I have been a missionary in Japan for 25 years, and I suffer with periodic bouts of depression. I’ve been on medication on and off (mostly on) for about 30 years now. One time we had to cut short our term of service because I was so ill and not getting better. It took me two and a half years in the UK to sufficiently recover to return to Japan.
During the worst times, it has been bad, really bad. I remember leading a small group and putting my head on the table in front of the Japanese believers and weeping for a few minutes. There were some Sundays when I was in tears at eight thirty in the morning and had to be preaching at eleven.
Other missionaries have had a range of reactions to my admission of mental illness. At one end of the spectrum, some have said, “You must have sinned.” On the other hand, others have said, “I’m so glad you shared that; it enabled me to ask for help too.”
Right precautions go a long way
Now I do all the right things. I exercise—running or cycling about three times a week for 30–60 minutes. I pray and read the Bible regularly and take a Sabbath: going out to a park, seeing friends, or just taking it easy. I have a hobby, modular origami, and I don’t work late into the night.
During my time in Japan, I have seen a number of doctors.1 They have all been kind and understanding. Mostly they don’t spend too long talking with me, just 10 minutes or so. They ask about sleep, appetite, and emotional stability.
I have also had some counselling in Japan. This was a bit of a challenge. I used a workbook in English to examine my thoughts and feelings, but each week, I talked to the counsellor in Japanese.
Now I look out for any warning signs that I’m sliding downhill again. For me, stomach pains are a key signal; a couple of days of those and I need to examine my thinking and my doing. My wife, Janet, also knows other warning signs—me being especially quiet or withdrawn. At those times, she will ask questions like “Are you doing all right? Do you need to increase your medication? What can you stop doing?”
When I take too much on myself, I get into trouble. I can begin to think that people’s salvation or growth is solely dependent on my witness or work. Or I may start to believe that God could not possibly use someone as weak and sinful as me. I might wonder if my mistakes or failures are final. It is then that dark thoughts, tears, and despair set in.
So what do I do when the warning signals flash? I remind myself of two truths.
Two important truths
I remember that I am God’s beloved. The disciple whom Jesus loved, in the gospel of John, knows he is loved by Jesus. Brennan Manning reminds us, “Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. This is the true self. Every other identity is illusion.”2 Before I am a missionary, before I do or don’t do anything, I am God’s beloved.
The other truth that I call to mind is this: I am not the Master, I’m just a servant. Results are not the measure of who I am or what I do. I am simply called to be faithful in what the Master commands (1 Cor. 4:2). Being a servant of God tells me that I am useful to God, but it is his work and not mine.
I know a number of missionaries who have struggled and still struggle with mental health issues. Perhaps you are a missionary who struggles. Maybe there is someone in your organisation here in Japan who is on the edge.
We all know that Japan is a country where mental health issues are widespread. There may well be people in your church for whom it is a live issue.
The truths that help me may help you or others as well.
I don’t want to hide my mental illness but be open and honest with people. Most missionaries are not the spiritual giants that books are written about. Admitting our weaknesses appropriately can help others reduce the fear and shame of doing the same.
Whatever you do, please don’t give up helping and encouraging those who struggle with mental illness.
1. JEMA’s member care resources page lists a number of places you can seek help in Japan and overseas, as well as online: https://jema.org/resources/member-care/
2. Brennan Manning, Abba’s Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging (NavPress Publishing Group, 2015), 40.
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