TCKs and unresolved grief

Everyone experiences grief in their lifetime. No one is immune. Grief can manifest itself in a variety of ways and cannot be predicted. Even long after the grief-inducing event, someone may experience alarming and unexpected expressions of sadness and mourning.

We should not be surprised that third culture kids (TCKs) experience grief just like everyone else. In fact, according to Pollock and Van Reken, by the end of adolescence, the average TCK has experienced more significant losses and separations than most people experience in a lifetime.¹ That pain can be very difficult for a young person to process.

It is often said that TCKs are resilient and will adapt to anything thrown at them. While there may be some truth to this, we would be wise not to ignore the difficulties that TCKs face while living in a foreign country. To do so may come at a great cost to the adult TCK.

Multiple levels of grief

What kinds of grief are we talking about here? For a TCK, there can be multiple levels of grief and pain. On the one hand, there is what might be called “obvious grief.” These are events that all people would experience as difficult and sad. Examples of obvious grief would be the loss of a loved one or the effects of a traumatic experience. Everyone understands the importance of acknowledging and processing this kind of grief.

However, many TCKs also experience “hidden grief,” grief that may not be immediately obvious to the adults and other important people in their lives. These hidden griefs usually affect the TCK during their formative years and accumulate over time. Examples of this kind of grief would include moving to a new country, learning a new language, frequent changing of schools or place of residence, or the never-ending need to say goodbye to friends (a huge issue due to the transient nature of the missionary community). Children living in a foreign country are also more likely to experience isolation, bullying, and loneliness.

All of these kinds of experiences may cause a TCK to feel a deep sense of grief and loss. If not fully dealt with, this unprocessed grief can lead to mental health issues in the college years and into adulthood.

Reasons behind unresolved grief

According to Pollock and Van Reken, there is no single reason why unresolved grief is a major and often unrecognized factor for countless TCKs.² But we can look at this as a challenge to missionary families and the greater missionary community to support the TCK’s processing of unresolved grief.

The reasons that grief often goes unresolved include fear of denying the good (always feeling the need to be positive about the missionary experience), inability to acknowledge losses, lack of permission to grieve, lack of time to process, and a lack of comfort (from others).³ These reasons complicate the healing and maturing process of a young person growing up among multiple cultures.

The danger of accumulated unresolved grief is what Lauren Wells calls “a grief tower,” a tower of emotional grief that can easily be toppled over in early adulthood. This results in a variety of mental health issues including denial, anger, depression, withdrawal, rebellion, vicarious grief, delayed grief, and anxiety.⁴

Resource recommendations

I’d like to recommend two books by Lauren Wells that will help TCKs to process grief as a family and into adulthood. Both books are short and easy to use.

Lauren Wells, The Grief Tower (Fort Mill, SC: Independently published, 2021).

The Grief Tower is for families to use together to take time annually to process the difficulties experienced that year. There are valuable activities and questions to help families work through both “obvious grief” and “hidden grief” together. This book can be used as a tool to help teach children how to process experiences and complicated feelings while living abroad.

Lauren Wells, Unstacking Your Grief Tower (Fort Mill, SC: Independently published, 2021).

Unstacking Your Grief Tower is another excellent resource by Lauren Wells for adult TCKs to process their unresolved grief. An adult TCK can work through the book alone, with a mentor, or in a small group of fellow TCKs.

Please note that these books can help to begin the process of dealing with unresolved grief in a healthy way, but is not a replacement for formal therapy, family therapy, and/or psychiatric intervention, which may be needed for further help and support if deeper issues are uncovered.

My hope is that you will find encouragement and support in helping your TCK process unresolved grief in a healthy way and lead them to content adult lives.

1. David C. Pollock and Ruth E. Van Reken, Third Culture Kids: The Experience of Growing Up Among Worlds (Boston: Nicholas Brealey Publishing, 2001), 166.
2. Ibid., 166.
3. Ibid., 167–176.
4. Ibid., 176–181.