False beliefs that can hinder the single person’s faith

“When will my life begin?” In the movie Tangled, Rapunzel receives the answer to her song when a handsome stranger prompts her to escape from her tower. Love is soon to follow. The message? You truly start living once you’ve found the love of your life. Until then, days filled with ordinary tasks simply don’t count.

I wonder how many young Christian women find themselves asking the same question. Many of my Japanese friends also grew up watching Disney princesses whose sole purpose in life was to find their happily-ever-after with Prince Charming. But when you are single at 30 or 40, you realize that putting a pause on your dreams because you were waiting for marriage may not have been the wisest course of action.

Over 15 years of ministering among Christian singles in Japan, I have heard many misconceptions about marriage and singleness. Some of these falsehoods seem to come from romantic movies. Sometimes, they are rooted in misinterpretations of the Bible. Left unchecked, these beliefs can undermine a single person’s spiritual walk, especially when they question why God hasn’t provided them with a Christian spouse.

Let’s take a look at eight ways of thinking about marriage and singleness. What do they reveal about our beliefs on singleness, marriage, and God’s will for our lives?

1) “Once I fix my character flaws or spiritual weakness, then I’ll get married.”

Implication: If your future spouse will only enter your life after God has finished preparing you for each other, then marriage becomes a reward for spiritual growth. By contrast, singleness becomes a sign of spiritual immaturity or lack of faith.

Reality: While many couples can attest to great spiritual work done in their lives prior to God introducing them to their spouse, it’s never a guarantee that God will do the same thing in another person’s life. Couples can encourage their single friends by sharing how marriage has been the beginning of a different season of spiritual growth, not the culmination of their spiritual journey.

2) “If I get married, all my problems, loneliness, and concerns about the future will disappear.”

Implication: A marriage partner will save me from my problems, not God. It elevates marriage from being a comfort in difficulty to what rescues me from difficulty.

Reality: Research shows that after a few years of marriage, people return to the same emotional state that they were in prior to marriage.¹ Marriage itself doesn’t remove life’s problems. As many of my married friends have attested, the addition of more people into their family circle increased their worries and concerns. It’s also quite normal for some happily married people to feel lonely because no other person can fully satisfy our hearts.

3) “I’ll be whole when I find my soulmate.”

Implication: Another person is responsible for completing us.

Reality: It may sound romantic, but there is a limit to the help, comfort, and understanding that another human can offer. When people are disappointed, they might conclude that they didn’t find the right partner rather than question their expectations.

More importantly, our identity is meant to be defined in relationship to God, not just in our relationships with other people. We are His children. Yet because of sin, we will always feel something is missing. Our relationship with God brings completion and restoration that will only be fully experienced in heaven.

4) “If I get married, I’ll have more stability in my life and a permanent friend always by my side.”

Implication: Marriage is seen as a way of holding onto a best friend permanently. For missionaries who face lots of transition, this is very appealing!

Reality: God has actually redefined family for the Christian through Christ. Whether we are married or single, we have friendships—brothers and sisters in Christ—who can support and encourage us.

However, the half-truth does recognize that singles must put more effort into creating opportunities for fellowship since every interaction with another human requires them to go outside their home. Walking through life’s difficulties with another person can be a comfort, but it doesn’t stop life from being unpredictable. God is our only rock in the midst of life’s storms.

5) “I’ll be seen as more mature and responsible if I’m married, which will benefit my ministry.”

Implication: One stereotype regarding singles is that they have shirked the responsibility of doing the hard work of marriage and raising children. To appear responsible, singles who buy into this may focus on finding a marriage partner over personal character development. There can also be pressure, particularly on young men, to be married in order to serve as ministers in the church.

Reality: Character, integrity, and spiritual maturity are important to effectively minister to others and glorify God whether you are single or married.

6) “Being single gives you the freedom to do what you want when you want to do it!”

Implication: A single person doesn’t have to worry about other people when making life’s decisions, unlike married people who have a spouse and kids who can’t be ignored.

Reality: The Christian single person still has relational responsibilities to their family and church. For singles, decision-making can be complicated by people-pleasing tendencies, anxieties about the future, or lack of a trusted confidant to consult.

Regardless of our marital status, our time and energies are to be devoted to serving Christ (1 Cor. 7:29, 35). If we are Christian, none of us gets full autonomy to rule our lives; only Christ gets to be Lord.

7) “Singleness is a temporary stage before marriage and therefore doesn’t need to be thought about very deeply.”

Implication: Singleness is a problem that will be fixed by marriage. It’s more important to prepare for marriage because that will likely last the majority of your life.

Reality: Unless you are engaged or already married, there are no guarantees about your future marital status. Even when married, we never know if we may find ourselves in another season of singleness as a widow/widower or divorced. We are called to be faithful to God in this present moment. We cannot neglect to ask “How does God wish to work in and through me right now?”

8) “God doesn’t love me because He hasn’t answered my prayers. He has withheld this good thing called marriage from me.”

Implication: God doesn’t really love me because He hasn’t provided for my felt need of a marriage partner.

Reality: God has given us everything we need by giving us Himself. The Holy Spirit’s presence with us is a seal of salvation and promise of our eternal union to Christ (Eph. 1:13–14). The end goal of life isn’t marriage but a relationship with the Lord.

Acknowledging the limitations of marriage is not meant to disparage or discount its joys. Marriage is an unattested blessing from God. At creation, God instituted marriage as the norm (Gen. 1:27–28; 2:24). Furthermore, marriage is a blessing to be desired: “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD” (Prov. 18:22, ESV). But marriage is not our greatest good. The best gift God could give is available to all believers—He has given us His very self. He is the one who knows us entirely, including every ugly blemish caused by sin, and He chose us “before the foundation of the world” (Eph. 1:4). He is the one who sees every tear (Ps. 56:8) and promises to never leave or forsake us (Heb. 13:5). Death will not separate you from Him either (Rom. 8:38–39). His is the trustworthy love that you can have full assurance of.

Sometimes that may not seem like much when you want someone you can see and touch. It’s normal to acknowledge the good God is doing in your life through singleness but still have moments you wish you were married. Maybe the dissatisfaction you feel about being single can point you to the “already and not yet” aspect of Christ’s reign. He is the bridegroom who has already paid the price to set His Bride free, yet He still waits to welcome her home (Mark 2:19–20; Eph. 5:25–27). Singleness and waiting are part of Christ’s story, and we already know it will have a glorious fulfillment at the wedding feast of the Lamb (Rev. 19:6–9).

Don’t give in to the lie that God has forgotten you. As Paul once needed to remind the Colossians, “All these things are just a shadow of the reality” (Col. 2:17, my paraphrase). Let’s lift our eyes to see the divine story that all earthly marriages point us toward. We are the Bride of Christ, and the future He has prepared for us is far better than anything we could ask or imagine.

1. Katherine Jacobs Bao and Sonja Lyubomirsky, “Making It Last: Combating Hedonic Adaptation in Romantic Relationships,” The Journal of Positive Psychology 8, no. 3 (March 2013): 196–206, https://doi.org/ 10.1080/17439760.2013.777765.