Ideas for supporting your single colleagues, from one of us
Married missionaries can do a lot to support their single brothers and sisters. But it’s important to remember that one size doesn’t fit all!
“Since I have you here, what are some ways that we can better support our single missionary coworkers?”
A conversation during a recent missionary retreat turned into an impromptu “singles panel” when single missionaries from our sending agency had lunch with a caring and curious married woman. Here are some thoughts from that great conversation.
Not all singles are the same
First, it’s important to ask individual singles how they want to be supported. We aren’t all the same, and the ways we feel encouraged will also differ. Some will want to talk about their singleness or be included in your family dinners, while others prefer more privacy and independence. Building friendships with your single teammates and church members will guide you in showing them care that they’ll receive well.
“Singleness” includes more than just one life stage. I am among the never-been-married-but-would-eventually-like-to singles. But there are also widows, divorcees, and those who are intending to remain single forever. This means single people have different experiences, challenges, and perspectives. Younger singles may tend to view themselves as “pre-married,” while older singles may be thinking about retirement in light of singleness.
Singleness can be permanent
There are some people who will never marry; for them, singleness is their final marital status. That is God’s design for them, and it is a good plan. Whether they will be single for life or not, we must be careful not to make singles feel like life only truly begins once they’re married.
There are many times I’ve been told, “God has someone for you! You just have to wait for the right person to come along!” But the person has no way of knowing whether it is true or not. It’s been more helpful when I’ve had friends empathize about having some unmet desires without trying to make promises about my future.
Practical support ideas
Again, singles won’t necessarily feel encouraged by the same things. However, if you’re a married person, consider some practical ways that your single friends might appreciate help. Can you explain their bills and financial statements that are in Japanese, take their car to the mechanic, or split large Costco orders with them?
Holidays like Christmas or Thanksgiving can be especially difficult for singles who are far from their families. Consider inviting singles to your family gatherings, but appreciate that it may still be a painful reminder of their singleness.
Some singles, especially those with the love language of physical touch, may feel “touch-starved” in a culture like Japan where hugs are uncommon. Considering your comfort level and relationship with the single person, work together to see whether there are physical affection needs you can be part of meeting.
Verbal support ideas
One question I’ve come to like is, “How’s your relationship with your singleness lately?” Some of us are enjoying the freedom that comes with singleness, while others are mourning the absence of a romantic life partner. This question allows space for all of us to answer honestly.
Instead of using “we” to refer to you and your spouse, introduce them by name. This turns “We’ve lived in Tokyo for five years” into “My husband, Steve, and I have lived in Tokyo for five years.” It’s a small change that’s easy to forget, but it honors your spouse by name while keeping the conversation about individuals.
Considerations for home assignment
Many missionaries have a love-hate relationship with home assignment, with visits to family and friends mixed in with updates to churches and supporters.
Singleness introduces an additional twist—you are the only one responsible for all of it. This is often quite overwhelming! As a quintessential homebody, I find solo travel on home assignment to be extra daunting. The single missionary’s supporters back home need to step up, but you can be a listening ear or sounding board on the field as they prepare for or transition back after home assignment.
Additionally, singles don’t take any of our closest people with us when we travel. We leave our family and supporters to join the field, but we also leave the teammates we’ve been doing life with when we go on furlough. We might be blessed to have people in our passport country who understand what missionary life is like, but that’s not guaranteed.
Final thoughts
Singleness is a unique set of life stages. It can be liberating, lonely, or both. If you are a married colleague of single missionaries, you have countless opportunities to support them well. The body of Christ functions best when each body part is thriving and supported by the others.