Loving our single siblings in Christ

I was baptized at a beach in Kagoshima shortly after becoming a Christian at age 19. For the next year, the church in Japan was my family. I was far from my blood relatives and native culture and young in my faith, yet the love I received as a single adult drew me deeper into the family of God. Their love also shaped my view of the family of God.

Now, fourteen years into marriage, I think back on the Japanese church’s love for the 20-year-old single me. Here are three lessons I learned on how the church can love singles.

Serve Well

I was surprised that Japanese churches regularly share a meal on Sundays. Those meals felt like the big family gatherings I attended as a kid. I missed those gatherings when I went off on my own to university.

Apart from Sunday fellowship, I shared many meals with church families, fellowshiping around their table. One family loaned me a car. Many gave me a place to sleep. It makes me think of the first picture of the church in Acts: “And all who believed were together and had all things in common. . . . And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts” (Acts 2:44, 46, ESV).

The Japanese church taught me to default to a position of service. It’s tempting to look at the time, energy, and relative freedom of singles and think, “How could they serve me and my ministry?” Our Lord came not to be served but to serve. Looking to serve singles, rather than the other way around, is one way the gospel turns family on its head.

Rather than seeing me solely as someone with no family responsibilities—and therefore free to serve—the church served me. In Japan, regular communal meals may not be unique to the church, but the heart with which they served me was.

Give Grace

I was immature even for a twenty-year-old. All those things I mentioned before were not given to me because I earned them. Even when I was at my most unlovable and selfish, my brothers and sisters in Christ loved me. They were patient with my shortcomings. They gave me opportunities even after I had failed. They continued discipling me even when I didn’t see the value in it.

The Japanese church taught me to default to a position of grace. It’s tempting to look at the blind spots, sins, and failures of singles and think, “Is it worth the effort to make them part of the family of God?” But the Father brings us into his family on the merits of Christ and not ours. The gospel calls us to treat others as blood relatives who we can’t merely dismiss.

This isn’t a slight against twenty-year-olds or singles. We must admit that every person has some things about them that are hard to love. Singles are no more sinful than the rest of us. But because they are not forced to work out their shortcomings with a spouse or kids, it can be harder for them to see their blind spots. I know it was for me.

Point to Christ

A few days before I moved back to the States, another single Christian asked me to come to the church. He said he had something to give me. I rushed to church, my mind racing with the wonderful possibilities. When I got there, I found him sitting, guitar in hand. He proceeded to play a song of praise that he had written himself. I thanked him, we talked for a few minutes, and then I left with deflated expectations. Yet years later, having forgotten many of my other experiences during that year in Japan, that is my most vivid memory. Two single men from vastly different bloodlines were truly brothers.

Remember how Paul considered his own blood heritage. He was “of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews. . . . But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord” (Phil. 3:5b, 7–8a, ESV).

The Japanese church taught me to default to Christ. It’s tempting to look at singles and think, “They need a spouse, or a job, or an education, or a role in the church, or an opportunity to stretch their wings.” If we could give them all those things but not point them to Christ, it would be worthless. We would not be serving them. We would not be loving them. We would be as unbelieving family to them—connected in name but not in perfect love.

When singles are in our church, we have a great opportunity. This isn’t an opportunity for the church to be served by their time and energy but an opportunity to love them as Christ loves us.

Illustration by the author (truncated here – see PDF in Back Issues for full illustration)