Misconceptions about Aging
Growing Older Well
Whether we like it or not, we’re all getting older. And our attitudes about aging have a lot to do with how we grow older. According to psychologist Maggie Scarf, misconceptions about old age abound. In her meticulously researched and carefully documented book, September Songs,1 Scarf debunks some of the more common myths regarding aging. Here are three:
Myth 1: Older people are depressed and cranky
Contrary to popular belief, most people in their 50s, 60s, and 70s are happier than their younger counterparts and normally “enjoy a subjective sense of peace and well-being.” Scarf calls this “the paradox of age.” As we age, the importance of our career and status fall away, and most older adults find themselves in secure living situations, both financially and relationally. This stability brings with it a “sense of well-being”. And though some physical and mental capacities can begin to wane, one’s emotional life generally stays intact and can even improve with age.
This feeling of peace is actually a physical reaction to growing older. Recent tests using magnetic resonance imaging have shown that changes in the brain’s prefrontal cortex in older individuals allow them to exert “greater selective control over negative emotions.” This ability to regulate one’s emotions increases rather than lessens with age.
Myth 2: Older people are lonely
Social psychology research shows that older folk tend to have fewer relationships by choice. Sensing that time is limited, people begin to rethink their lives, especially their relationships. Though older people may seem to have fewer friendships because many of their friends have passed on, this is actually not the whole truth. Most older people go through a “proactive pruning” process in which they cut non-essential and toxic relationships out of their lives. All that remains are the relationships they value, that is, close friends and family. Into these relationships they pour all their time and emotional energy. The reason why grandpop spends so much time talking about the grandkids is because close family ties are central in his life.
Myth 3: Older people’s marriages are stale and stagnant
Scarf interviewed many couples on the subject of marriage for her book Intimate Worlds2 in the 1990s. Now 20 years later she reinterviewed them for her new book to see how their marriages were doing. The results surprised even her. The couples that seemed headed for divorce during her original interviews, but who had decided to stay together, were not only happy but felt their marriages were better than ever. The biggest surprise was the couples who had chosen divorce. By and large, these couples, now singles, were dissatisfied with their lives and regretted getting divorced. She found that “divorcing, on average, failed to improve the emotional well-being of unhappily married people.” One surprising statistic was “almost 8 out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later.” The reality is that people who stay together are happier in their marriages the longer they are married.
Getting older is not for the faint of heart, but by debunking myths about it, we can come become less apprehensive about aging. Indeed, aging can even be an enjoyable and enriching process.
1. Maggie Scarf, September Songs: The Good News about Marriage in the Later Years (Riverhead Books, 2008).
2. Maggie Scarf, Intimate Worlds: How Families Thrive and Why They Fail (Ballantine Books, 1997).
Photo “Sweethearts” by Flickr user Patrick: https://www.flickr.com/photos/adwriter/257937032