When God doesn’t show up

“Mr. Benton, I’m sorry to tell you this, but your wife has ovarian cancer.” She had undergone surgery that day for what we thought were harmless adhesions, but the doctor found something else. I was in shock. Going home from the hospital that night in 2007 to pick up our three children, I felt like I was traveling in a tunnel—a dark, winding course that only ran deeper, no light at the end, only more darkness as it plunged into the earth.

With every ounce of strength, she fought hard. The doctors gave her three to six months, but my wife was not going to give up. We had three children (at the time our older son was 16 and twins aged 10), all adopted, one with special needs. They needed a mother, and I needed a wife. No way was she going to leave this earth. She endured four major surgeries and nearly 50 rounds of horrible chemotherapy. She lost her hair, became bloated and then lost weight, got sick repeatedly, and always felt tired. More than eight months were spent in hospital beds. We cried and prayed together.

We had been called to Japan together. We built a family and ministered together for 35 years. And then she was gone. After nearly six years of fighting, God took her. We had faith and prayer warriors around the world supporting us, but it didn’t work. She died.

What do we do when God doesn’t show up?

How do we respond when life turns out differently than expected? My wife and I had given up careers and large church ministries to come to Japan. We loved to help and share the gospel with Japanese people. We planted churches together. “Why me, God?” I screamed more than once, as my life collapsed around me. “What am I supposed to do?”

John the Baptist is one of the greatest men who ever lived. We know him as a New Testament prophet—that voice in the wilderness calling for Israel to repent, preparing a path for Jesus. After baptizing Jesus, John was not the focal point, but rather Jesus stepped up and began his amazing public ministry. John was not concerned about that; he proclaimed Jesus as the Messiah and in no way wanted people to focus on him rather than on God’s Savior.

But then John was arrested and put in jail. There was John, no longer able to walk about freely and do what he felt God was leading him to do. Visitors came and talked about Jesus and the amazing things that were happening. Although the stories were good, some parts didn’t sit right with him. Maybe because of his confinement, he was unable to fully perceive what was happening. Jesus was different from what John had expected. He began to doubt and wonder if his cousin was truly the One.

A change in circumstances, whether good or bad, can have a big impact on our faith in God or what we think he has called us to do. Especially during a hard time, it’s easy to doubt.

John asked a favor of his disciples. I’m paraphrasing here: “Friends, Jesus is doing some good things. But I’m wondering if he’s truly the One I was talking about. Go check him out and get back to me.” Imagine if you were one of John’s disciples talking to Jesus. What would you want to hear to encourage the great prophet? “Yes, I’m the One. And tonight, I’m going to break him out!”

Instead, Jesus simply says, “Go back and report to John what you hear and see: The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is proclaimed to the poor.” Jesus adds, “Blessed is anyone who does not stumble on account of me” (Matthew 11:4-6 NIV).

In the dark days of my wife’s long cancer battle, I wondered why God had deserted me. What had I done wrong? I wasn’t perfect, but was I that bad? When he didn’t show up to heal my wife, it became apparent that God wasn’t going to do what I desperately wanted. But ultimately I learned an important truth: Blessed is the person who does not turn away because of something that God has or hasn’t done.

John’s disciples had to return to the dark, dank cell and tell him: “Yeah, good things are happening, but you’re not going to be involved. He just wants you to hang in there.” Jesus fully acknowledged how great John was and referred to him as the Elijah of his generation. Yet, he let him sit in prison until he was beheaded.

Take courage in God

When we face difficult times, we want God to tell us why. We beg him to change our circumstances. Unfortunately, we usually don’t learn why until much later in life, and he often doesn’t help us escape our hard circumstances. I lost the wife I loved for 35 years, the mother of our three children, my best friend and ministry partner.

Maybe you’re going through a difficult time now. You came to Japan full of ideas, but they didn’t work. You saw some success, but now the situation has gone sideways. You’ve lost hope. I can’t advise you what to do next, but I can tell you the same thing that Jesus told John: don’t give up believing. Your personal circumstances have no relationship to how God feels about you. Proof of God’s love for you is found on the cross.

About halfway into those dark years with cancer, I talked to a good brother who had gone through a similar situation with his wife. He helped me accept my fate. Instead of saying “God will heal her, don’t stop praying!” he said, “Mark, she’s going to die. Get ready for it.” Though painful, he helped open my eyes. I was able to get my mind out of the prison cell of suffering and focus on what was important, caring for my wife and kids. It allowed me to remember all the good things God had done in our lives and rejoice. I was able to remember the times when God answered my prayers, which built my faith into believing that no matter what happened, he was in control and had a purpose. It enabled me to survive and now, dare I say, flourish.

Take courage in the fact that God has not changed, even if he’s not doing what you want him to. He has not abandoned you but has a different plan. Look outside of your circumstances and see God at work. When God is silent, it does not mean that he’s absent. Your faith will ultimately result in great things for the kingdom of God.

Postscript: My wife passed away in 2013 at home after nearly six years of fighting. It took time, but our family recovered and began to move on. I remained in Japan, and God has since opened wonderful doors. I met a woman who became my second wife. Together, we formed a team from our local church and planted a new church, which is doing well in Kansai. If you are going through something similar, feel free to contact me. I’d love to talk. E-mail: mark@grapevinechurch.jp

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