Words to the Wise: Simple Steps to Learn to Communicate Well

At a recent marriage counseling session, it was clear that, despite trying very hard, the husband and wife weren’t successfully communicating with each other and needed help. What was going wrong? Here are some simple steps to improve your communication skills in general, not just in marriage.

The first step to good communication is to consider your audience and how to engage with them. Most of us try hard to say the right thing, often selecting just the right words that we hope will communicate our message. Therefore, we’re surprised when we find our message is misunderstood because we’ve misjudged our audience’s reaction.

We’ve all had the experience of being stuck next to a person who buttonholes people and starts a monologue during a party or meeting. Our eyes glaze over, and we can only think of escape. Good communicators know they need to engage their listeners if they are to communicate well. It’s important to ask questions such as “What do you think? Do you get what I’m saying?” at regular intervals as you speak and wait for the listener’s response. Their input will let you know if you need to adapt your message to be better understood.

Good communicators are not just listening for words, but also watching for nonverbal clues. Things like lack of eye contact, shifting in the seat, and turning away are all telltale signs that your message is not getting through and that you need to adjust.

The second step to good communication is to avoid aggressively pushing an agenda. Many people feel that good communication means your audience must be persuaded to agree with you. But if you use a “my way or the highway” approach when speaking, you will shut down communication. Think of the pushy salesperson at the store who hounds you when all you want to do is look. In the same way that you leave the store without buying anything, so the listener of a high-pressured speech is often not only unpersuaded, but also irritated. And just as the shopper avoids the store in future, the listener may well avoid the speaker.

The third step to good communication is to be a good listener — a skill most of us who have lived in Japan for a while have learned well. The Japanese are experts at this skill. A Japanese listener will indicate ascent by doing things such as nodding or giving some form of verbal acquiescence. If they don’t, then the speaker will pause and ask “Are you listening?” The same thing can be done in any language. Nodding, giving small prompts and making eye contact are all effective tools in our listening skills.

In marriage, as in any relationship, good communication is important. But we don’t necessarily need to go to counseling to learn skills. By observing the above three steps, it’s possible even for the most inept communicator to become skilled in communication — something that’s especially important for those of us in ministry, where good communication for the sake of the gospel is essential.